by Chris Bodenner
Shalom Auslander thinks testicles are icky. Then there's this eye-roller:
Practically speaking, testicles are a hassle, and that’s not even taking into consideration the testosterone they produce, which seems to cause so much trouble in the world. I suppose it’s fitting that the part of our body most directly responsible for war and superhero movies and Ashton Kutcher should be so ludicrous in appearance.
Does Auslander believe those three women who led us into the Libyan War are, um, hiding something? Or pretty much every powerful woman in the previous four administrations? Or Sarah Palin, if she got her hands on the button? The most considered part of Auslander's piece:
It’s not that I don’t appreciate them. They’ve given me two beautiful sons, and though I don’t for a moment think my wife married me only for my testicles, it’s not inconceivable that a lack of them might have negatively affected her decision to spend her life with me. But that, as they say, was then; we’re not going to have more children, and so, as I stood in the shower the morning of my 41st birthday—the race of my life half-run, less no doubt ahead of me than behind, one foot in the grave and the other on a slippery patch of ice—I looked down and thought, Why? Why keep them? All they’re good for now is cancer, which, I’m sure, they’re busy at already.
He doesn't mention a history of testicular cancer in the family, so perhaps he should nix a kidney for good measure? I realize Auslander might be mostly tongue-in-cheek, but I find his diatribe really glib, especially since there are so many cancer patients out there struggling to keep their gonads. I don't know any of them personally, but I do know the sister of a close friend of mine who has a virtual 100% chance of contracting breast cancer because of its 100% rate on the maternal side of her family. Doctors have urged her to get a preemptive double-mastectomy before it's too late, and she's only 30.
If Auslander's really serious about cutting off his balls, here's what he can expect:
Without hormone replacement therapy (HRT), typical symptoms (similar to those experienced by menopausal women) include hot flashes, gradual bone-density loss resulting in osteopenia or osteoporosis, and potential weight gain or redistribution of body fat to the hips/chest. Replacement of testosterone in the form of gel, patches, or injections can largely reverse these effects, although breast enlargement has also been reported as a possible side effect of testosterone usage.
Hopefully he doesn't think breasts are icky too.
Update: A reader enlightens me:
Have you read Foreskin's Lament? Any idea who Auslander is? He's very, very funny, and very, very Jewish, and his style tends towards haute hyperbole/satire. You're taking him way too seriously.