by Chris Bodenner
Dan Savage, monogamish guru, ran a series of emails last week lauding successful examples of monogamy:
My husband and I are in a successful monogamous relationship. We go out together and flirt (with girls – helps that I'm bisexual), and when we get home we use all the excitement stored up from our adventures on each other. We watch porn together. And we have continuous discussions about sex – what we like, what we might want to try, what new fantasies we've recently come up with. Being monogamish is also not off the table. We both would rather let the other have an open affair – one that we could know and feel secure about – rather than be on the end of discovering an illicit one. But we've really found that monogamy works for us. When it comes down to it, I don't want casual sex on the side (sex outside of a relationship doesn't work for me, as I learned in college) and I don't want to invest in creating a relationship with a third person, and neither does he.
But I'd say the reasons monogamy works for us are three-fold: 1. Open and honest discussion about sex and fantasies. Continually, even after many years. Oh yeah, and having lots of wicked hot sex (role-play, BDSM, copying ideas from our favorite porn movies, etc). 2. Open and honest discussions about opening up our relationship – periodically "checking in" with each other to see how we feel about it. 3. Something deep in both our psyches that says, "I can't have sex without a relationship, but I don't want to start a relationship with someone who's not my spouse."