“How I Learned My Husband Was Gay” Ctd

Andrew Sullivan —  May 18 2012 @ 3:21pm

A reader provides the flipside experience of this post:

There are so many of these straight spouses of closeted gays out there still and they are the very real, and often ignored, collateral damage of anti-gay rights campaigns.  I was one of them once – a closeted lesbian married to a man. I'm not sure I'll ever completely let go of the shame I have about marrying someone while I knew stuffed way deep down, but could not accept, that I am a lesbian. Did I love him? I did. Passionately, though fleetingly. We too lasted 10 years before neither of us could take the distance my secret knowledge created between us.

To your reader and her own heartache and her regret of "not being the one he could trust with the truth of his life." Please try and let that regret go. He could not trust himself with the truth of his life. Why in the world would you hold yourself to an even higher standard of truth than he could even give to himself?

Another writes:

I haven't been following the Dish like I'd prefer as I've ended my last semester of seminary, but I caught your post and the commentary at the end: "One of the great threats to successful marriage in this country is the way in which fundamentalism and homophobia coax gay people into straight relationships which are, at root, based on a lie." That struck a chord with me.  When I got to college and started sleeping around with guys, I still saw myself middle-aged and married to a woman with children. I was living and knowing one thing, but my fundamentalism and internalized homophobia made me plan to keep living a lie. Guys I hooked up were planning weddings sometimes. At least one of those has ended in a divorce. My experience of the ex-gay garbage was far more threatening to a potential marriage to a woman than my ability to marry my fiance.