A Gay Man Leading A Straight Life

Jun 11 2012 @ 12:17pm

Josh Weed, a devout Mormon, outs himself as a gay man happily married to a woman. He spares no details:

Some might assume that because I’m married to a woman, I must be bisexual. This would be true if sexual orientation was defined by sexual experience. Heck, if sexual orientation were defined by sexual experience, I would be as straight as the day is long even though I’ve never been turned on by a Victoria’s Secret commercial in my entire life. Sexual orientation is defined by attraction, not by experience. In my case, I am attracted sexually to men. Period. Yet my marriage is wonderful, and Lolly and I have an extremely healthy and robust sex life. How can this be?

The truth is, what people are really asking with the above question is “how can you be gay if your primary sex partner is a girl?” I didn’t fully understand the answer to this question until I was doing research on sexuality in grad school even though I had been happily married for almost five years at that point. I knew that I was gay, and I also knew that sex with my wife was enjoyable. But I didn’t understand how that was happening. Here is the basic reality that I actually think many people could use a lesson in: sex is about more than just visual attraction and lust and it is about more than just passion and infatuation. I won’t get into the boring details of the research here, but basically when sex is done right, at its deepest level it is about intimacy. It is about one human being connecting with another human being they love.

Dreher applauds:

Perhaps most interesting of all, he says that the love and acceptance he got from his parents and from others as a gay teenager helped him make the choice he did to be faithful to his religion, and ultimately to have a happy traditional marriage — this, as opposed to being filled with self-hatred and shame. He is a faithful Mormon, and believes that acting on same-sex desire is sinful.

Millman has mixed feelings:

[I]t’s telling that [Weed] lumps a grand word like “passion” in with weak ones “visual attraction” and “infatuation.” There are plenty of people who go through life without ever experiencing passion, or without ever experiencing it in a sexual context, and I don’t think anyone should make fun of them for it. But it’s not a small word, nor a small concept, nor a small matter to resign it to life’s dustbin. 

Brandon K. Thorp calls Weed's confession "one of the most fascinating things you'll read this June":

If he's to be taken at his word, it seems he ignored the imperatives of his own natural attractions to settle down with the person he believed to be his soul-mate, and with whom he wanted to build a family. If he was an atheist or a Unitarian or a Buddhist who did that and wrote about it, he'd be proclaimed a bold sexual rebel. The fact that he just happens to be a member of a religion that condemns homosexuality makes the decision feel a lot less bold, and more like the result of brainwashing — but he's so nice! So reasonable!

Gay LDS Actor makes an important point:

Josh, himself, says his path is not necessarily the right path for anyone else and pleads with people to allow them to find their own path, and I think that is key. I have always said in my blog that my path was right for me, but I do not dismiss that other paths are just as valid based on each individual's circumstance.  Never in a million years would I say that Josh and Lolly's path is wrong if it's truly working for them.  Whether it is, only they will know.

My feelings entirely. The point of the gay rights movement is not to make everyone gay; it is to help everyone be themselves, to expand the possibilities of a fulfilling, loved life for more human beings. If that means some gays really want to marry women, and they are not deceiving anyone, it's totally their choice – and their right not to be mocked for it.