You’re Not Doing It Right

Andrew Sullivan —  Jun 16 2012 @ 8:26pm

Nerve rounds up Cosmo's worst sex advice. For instance: 

Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.

Further face-palms, with commentary, after the jump:

"Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit."

They don't really explain if you're supposed to whisk it together in a bowl in the kitchen, or if you should just hock a loogie onto his pre-moistened junk, but I trust your judgment.

"Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess."

This is proof positive that no one ever tries these things.