Sex Oys

Ben Reininga culls a list of the most ridiculous "non-FDA approved things Cosmopolitan magazine wants you to fuck yourself with." Dish fave:

"Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible."

This remains one of my favorites for sheer inventiveness. On the plus side, if you actually are the aforementioned sex-hobo, you'll have change on hand. Also, language here is — as always — incredibly important. Make sure you use the exact phrase, "Slick my vulva with warming lube, [term of endearment]." I always think "babe" works well.

One more for a late Halloween scare – a vacuum cleaner:

"Remove the attachment so it's just a plain hose. While you're wearing your underwear, have him turn it on low and hold it over your clitoris for a sexy sucking sensation. If the sensation is too much (or your vacuum has serious sucking power), have him hold it an inch above your underwear."

… Anyway, in seriousness, please don't do this. The trial-and-error that's going to be involved in figuring out if your vacuum cleaner has "serious sucking power" isn't worth thinking about. Don't turn into a summer-camp urban legend about the girl who Hoovered her vagina off.