“I Don’t”

June Thomas makes the sapphist case for forgoing marriage:

In "Here Comes the Groom" Sullivan took a swipe at the "gay leadership," one of his favorite adversaries, much of which, he said, "clings to notions of gay life as essentially outsider, anti-bourgeois, radical." He’s right, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Lesbians are already ridiculously good at monogamy. How much squarer do you want me to be?

Heh. Thomas explains why her "visceral anti-marriage animus is particularly strong" when she hears "twentysomething lesbians talking about their wives and fiancees":

Are they really going to mate for life, like swans in sensible shoes? That seems attractive at 35, but at 25 it’s positively Amish.

Worst of all, it threatens the continued evolution of a talent perfected over the millennia as our relationships have gone unrecognized by church and state: a gift for breaking up. Lesbians tend to bond intensely and often. Once a relationship has run its course, lovers become great friends. If you know a lesbian, chances are you know a lesbian who’s gone on vacation with her current girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend, and a dog she once shared with a different ex. I don’t want to lose that. And I don’t want to be just like everyone else.

And you don't have to be.

The battle for marriage equality was the battle for June to be able to reject the possibility of marriage. Before it, she had nothing to reject. Before it, she was withheld the choice she is now making. And that's the paradox: before we achieved marriage equality, what June describes as alternative lesbian life was a fate all gays, in all our massive diversity, had to make the best of. Since the marriage equality movement gained momentum, we have now begun to make it a choice. Live your life as you see fit. But everyone deserves the choice for integration or separation, marriage or not.

This is a non-zero-sum reform. It's both-and, not either-or. But I think it's not at all surprising that the older generation, who formed their identities out of imposed victimhood and marginalization – and created a vibrant culture outside social norms – would have a hard time understanding the younger generation who have now grown up thinking of marriage as one obvious option for their lives and their loves.