Not long after Jon Hamm’s beard, we present Critique My Dick Pic. It is, as Katie J.M. Baker puts it, “exactly what it sounds like” – so don’t click if you’re worried about nannying corporate overlords. My main objection, to be honest, is using “critique” as a verb. From the mission statement:
this is a tumblr with a simple premise: send me your dick pics, & i’ll critique them with love.
‘with love’ is an important addendum. i’m never going to shame you about the size of your dick or what it looks like; i’m not about that life. i will, however, be ruthlessly honest when it comes to things like angles, lighting & general tone. i’m trying to help you improve, because in all likelihood your dick pics are artless & dull.
We really are in the age of the selfie. After just two days in existence, there’s a backlog of eight weeks’ worth of dicks. Anthony Weiner was just an early adopter. For future politicians and public figures, acknowledging their youthful selfies will, I suspect, be a little like boomers admitting they once smoked pot. My fave critique of a somewhat ambitious dude:
it’s clear that you had one goal in mind when taking this picture and that was to demonstrate that your dick is roughly the size of an empty v bottle. congratulations, i guess, because you achieved that. you achieved very little else.
From the critique of a submitter who labeled his own pic “Lol real small”:
i like the fact that you are holding your dick in this picture. too often dick pics are clinical affairs with the sole aim of showcasing size, and this comes at the expense of eroticism. when you hold your dick in your picture, you do two things:
you obscure some of it, which is sexy; and
you remind me that your dick is a sexual organ, and that touching it makes you feel good.
i’m also feeling the fact that you’ve left your boxer shorts on in this pic; it adds a bit of subtlety and dick pics could always use that.
thank you for being the inaugural dick pic of critiquemydickpic.tumblr.com. your dick pic gets a B.
I want to see an F.