A Solitary Holiday

Drew Magary sets the agenda for a Thanksgiving spent solo:

6:50 p.m.
Sit down. Time to give thanks. This year, you are thankful for so much. You are thankful you didn’t have to sit in a goddamn airport for five hours and spend four additional hours in traffic to visit relatives who are nice to see for ten minutes before they become tiresome and unbearable. You are thankful for your family but also thankful for their absence. You are thankful for no screaming children, no sitting on an uncomfortable sofa in a TV-less living room, no awkward conversation with your aunt in which she pulls words out of you like teeth, no lukewarm potatoes, no sleeping in a musty childhood bed that’s three feet long. You are thankful that you didn’t have to interrupt the usual business of your life. Because life is just fine.

6:55 p.m.
Some light crying. You miss your family.

7:00 p.m.
Stuffed. Begin House of Cards marathon. Kate Mara looks awfully underfed.

4:57 a.m.
“OMG KEVIN SPACEY HOW COULD YOU?!”