If It Exists, There Is Porn Of It

Dec 20 2013 @ 2:19pm

Ryan Schock

That’s Internet rule #34. Garance Franke-Ruta passes along more proof, in the form of some seriously NSFW fan-fiction:

Over the weekend, an anonymous writer launched a Tumblr imagining an X-rated tryst between congressional fitness buffs Aaron Schock and Paul Ryan. “Paul Ryan XXX“— subhed: “Things are getting steamy on Ways and Means …”—is not appropriate work reading, and it’s clearly intended as satire of a certain kind of fawning journalism both men have tended to attract (as well as, you know, as porn).

“He was obsessive about his personal fitness. He cared deeply about those close to him. He had an outstanding sense of humor, but he never resorted to jokes about others. His laugh could make any room come alive,” the author writes of Ryan, in one of the milder passages. “And there was his intellect. His vision. His ability to see how things were possible that no one else could.”

Here the writer gently mocks the conventions of the many thumb-sucking profile of Ryan—be sure to mention the vision thing—by using them for different narrative ends.

Queerty imagines how the story might develop:

While this is nothing compared to the Mitt Romney-Paul Ryan fanfiction from that glorious descent into pop culture irrelevancy known as their 2012 Presidential campaign, we can’t wait to see where the subsequent parts lead. Here’s a suggestion: things get complicated when Mitt returns, having left his wife and 12(?) kids to be with Paul, but only over Aaron Schock’s drop dead gorgeous body. This basically writes itself.

(Image via Joe Jervis)