Surrender, Ann Friedman! Ctd

You should read her column copping to her error while sticking to her guns. But, to be honest, I’m really in agreement with her on the basic issue, and my comment about Daley was (humorously) about Daley and not about all those identifying as bi, as I have pointed out repeatedly. And I’m proud of the fact that the Dish has published one of the more poignant, informative and lively threads on the bisexuality question you are likely to find. Meanwhile, a reader quotes me:

“There is such a thing as gaydar. Bidar? Not so much.”

Actually, I think bisexual detection should be called Bi-Fi, as it can be just as spotty.

Heh. Another contemplates the topic more seriously:

I find these discussions and all the fantastic letters you’re getting on bisexuality very interesting. I think using the homo/hetero/bi sexual categorization is messing up this discussion. The big problem we have I think is that we’re trying categorize people here based on sexual attraction. I believe that a majority of human beings of either gender can, in the right circumstances enjoy sex with a member of either gender. Really, sex is not – or should not be – a big deal.

The more important issue I think, is who we’re romantically attracted to – that is both sexual attraction and emotional attraction simultaneously.

If we were to throw out the homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual labels and focus on romantic interest – say homoromantic, heteroromantic and biromantic – then the landscape would become a lot more clear. I suspect we would find that the majority of humans are hetero-romantics, with a minority of homo-romantics and an even smaller group of bi-romantics. Though the bi-romantic percentage is probably higher for females than males.

Of course the difficulty is that identifying sexual attraction is easier than identifying romantic inclination. But we all have some idea of who we want to settle down with even if we haven’t fallen in love yet. And yes, there will of course be exceptions where you’re eventually proven wrong, and people who really are fluid, but those would be the exceptions rather than the norm.


My boyfriend is a subscriber and I am an infrequent reader but, at his urging, read every word of the bi thread. It was beautiful and moving and angering and empowering, all in turns. One thing I don’t think was explicitly stated, but was implied throughout, is how goddamn lonely it is to be bisexual in America.

The boyfriend and I are both bi and live in a pretty gay-positive mid-sized city. We are both adamantly out, including family and co-workers. But one thing that both of us struggle with is feeling that we have that tight circle of friends who understand and can validate our experience. Not that gay people can only be friends with gay people, but I know none who are without a gay support network to bolster them. Because of the heavy pressure to shut the hell up and stay in the closet and be who you are behind closed doors, bisexuals infrequently find their bi support network.

Right now, my boyfriend and I are in the process of trying to make that bi network happen (again), but I was reminded of what we are up against today when I ran across this description of a gay bowling league: “This is a mostly gay and lesbian league, but we are transgender and straight welcoming!” I’m sure who ever wrote this meant nothing by it and it was just an “oversight”, but what it says to me, to all bisexuals, is that even straight people get on the bus before bisexuals in the LGBT “community”.

The simple truth is that this is heartbreaking for those of us who are trying to live our lives being honest about who we are. It is a repeated and constant slight, especially to those of us who could pass for straight but have chosen instead to be out. So thank you for allowing us a platform for our voices and for making our lives less isolated.