From Neal Pollack’s entertaining 1,700-word opus titled “I Shat Myself In A Lexus Press Car”:
My house was about 14 miles away, most of it on open highway. I turned on the seat heaters, along with Sirius XM Radio. The station, I believe, was “Willie’s Roadhouse.”
Something unpleasant hitched in my gut.
Huh, I thought. That’s weird.
Then it hitched again. There was a gurgle, and a churn. Suddenly, I felt a strong pressing on my abdomen. It was very strange. I had eaten a light dinner that night. At the movies, Ben and I had shared a bowl of popcorn, and I’d had a beer, but it had been a long movie, and I wasn’t full.
But there it was.
My stomach gave an audible groan. I felt a full-on descent in my colon.
I began to sweat. My exit wasn’t for several miles. The station began to play Your Cheatin’ Heart, by Hank Williams.
Your cheatin’ heart
Will make you weep
You’ll cry and cry
And try to sleep…
I tried to focus on the road, but it was hard. My forehead began to melt. My stomach churned like the fetid waters beneath an urban pier. Whatever had invaded my gut insistently pressed downward. It had to come out.
Please God, I thought. No.
You’ll never guess where this ends.