Taking A Stand On The Can, Ctd

Andrew Sullivan —  Jan 15 2015 @ 11:14am

drunk-octopus

Probably the last batch of the bunch. A reader sends the above photo:

I had to share my favorite piece of bathroom graffiti – not the most sophisticated I’ve ever seen, but it made me laugh out loud.

This one probably will:

A buddy of mine is in the U.S. Navy. In one of the restroom stalls at his naval base someone wrote, “Describe your shit using the name of a movie.” Dozens of people contributed to the list. Some examples from the crowd-sourced latrinalia: Children of the Corn, The Green Mile, Grease, Little Rascals, and (my personal favorite) Big.

Another passes along an apocryphal story:

Abraham Lincoln loved to tell a story about [Ethan] Allen. He returned to England after the war, and the British made fun of him. One day they put a picture of George Washington in an outhouse where Allen would be sure to see it. He used the outhouse but said nothing about he picture. Then the British asked him about it and Allen said it was a very appropriate place for an Englishman to hang the picture because “nothing will make an Englishman shit so quick as the sight of General Washington.”

Many more below:

Okay … okay … I can’t resist submitting my favorite one.

I think I saw this at Cafe Intermezzo on Berkeley’s Telegraph Avenue back in the mid-’90s. Of course, someone had written “Free Mumia” on the wall. Someone edited that to read “Free Mumia action figure included with every Happy Meal!”

Another:

In one of the stalls at school in the UK in the ’80s, I still remember it fondly …

The US has Ronald Reagan, Bob Hope, and Stevie Wonder.
The UK has Maggie Thatcher, No Hope and No Bloody Wonder.

Another reader:

Here are a few I have enjoyed over the years. Above the urinals in Waggoner Hall at the University of Texas at Austin and home of the Classics and Philosophy Departments, circa 1972: “Veni, Vidi, Wee Wee.”

In the same men’s room: “Don’t throw toothpicks in the toilets. The crabs here can pole vault.” And written just below: “Yeah, but do they throw the javelin?”

Another passes along this photo “from the bookstore here in Greenwood”:

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Another:

I’ve hesitated to join in on the bathroom graffiti thread, simply because the two I remember are not quite the stuff for family viewing, but I still thought they were funny. One was in a bathroom at the famous Hole in the Wall club in Austin, Texas: “I don’t care how gorgeous she is – somebody, somewhere, is sick of her shit.”

And another, spotted in a stall in Arkansas during a road trip: “What does Texas have in common with a old lady’s [vagina]? Everybody knows it’s down there, but nobody gives a shit.”

(Upon reflection I think either could be transposed to the other sex.)

Another:

Many years ago I read an article (in Esquire, I think) about graffiti on the walls of women’s public restrooms.  My favorite was “Let him sleep on the wet spot tonight.”

Another:

Seen in ladies room, Oslo, Norway, 1974:

I saw a man ride up on a bike.
He took off his knickers and said,
“Take what you like.”
I didn’t like his knickers
So I took his bike.

Another:

Could I submit one that I saw in Germany many years ago? Translation wouldn’t carry the rhyme.

In diesem Hause wohnt ein Geist,
Der, wenn man drin zu lange scheisst,
Kommt, und dir in die Eier beisst.

Update from a reader:

Oh, but I have to try and translate and still make it rhyme:

In this house there lives a Geist (Ghost)
Who, when you sit too long and shites
Appears and you in the cajones bites

In another update, a reader provides a “variant on the German submitted by a reader, this one with a reply (and my own rhyming translation)”:

In diesem Hause wohnt ein Geist,
Der jedem, der zu lange scheisst
Von unten auf die Eier beisst.

Mich aber hat er nicht gebissen,
Ich hab ihm auf den Kopf geschissen.

Translation:

Within this stall a ghost doth flit
Who, if you take too long to shit
Will nibble on your balls a bit.

So far I’m safe, he hasn’t bitten,
Because upon his head I’m shittin’

Wunderbar. Another reader:

If you happened to sit down in the first stall of the fourth floor bathroom of the Folsom Library on the campus of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in 2006, you would find a portrait of Bob Saget staring directly at you – in pointillist style of course:

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Why did someone spend hours of their own time on this? Because Bob Saget.

Another:

My all-time favorite: “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

And one more:

My personal favourite from college (between the Theology and Ancient History departments):

Don’t worry if you don’t know what eschatology is
It’s not the end of the world …