I find Peter Khalil’s analysis persuasive. And as an inevitable consequence, Khalil is weeping tears of joy, ululating wildly and, from time to time, crying out, “Yes, Reihan approves! Yessssss!” At this point, I say, “Whoah there, captain. That’s why Allah invented Xanax, friend.”
Essentially, Khalil is calling for 25,000 crack Iraqi internal security commando strike battle attack unit force strike unit force squadron Alpha Beta ultimo team members to curb the insurgency, and bring said Baathist diehards, Islamist militants, speedfreaks, pimps, hoes (as in the gardening implements, used with deadly accuracy in menacing fashion), and other assorted criminal goons to heel. It is an excellent idea. The only problem is that Khalil has as yet to refer to these teams as “mobile hunter-killer groups.” He does, however, write of “mobile counterterrorism units, light-infantry police battalions and SWAT teams.”
BUT HOW?: But who will sign up, in the process risking life and limb? To make it happen, we need the throbbing brainpower of Madison Avenue-the geniuses behind the Skippy ads featuring the busty elephants, which have forever associated peanut butter in my head with good times and Caribbean rhythms, are more than capable of selling yours truly on the prospect of becoming a cyborg avenger for justice. Alas, said geniuses are unavailable. They’re busy hooking American kids on moral turpitude and the Nintendo DS (which often go hand in hand).
I am thus called upon to contribute my own battle force action plan pilot project: we will create a television program starring lovable Arab American (and peacenik) Tony Shalhoub called “Basra Vice,” in which Shalhoub and swarthy comrade Erik Estrada take on terrorist scum and the more insidious threats to a puritan Shia moral-ethical code, including songs with beats and dancing (which can only end in fornication). (The ACLU won’t like Islamic democracy.) The chief villain will be Swayze, who will portray a hip-shaking Sufi Muslim convert zealot from a small resort town where “dirty dancing” was strictly forbidden. In Basra, he aims to spread militancy, the power of dance, and the weed. He must be stopped with maximum force. The program will sell young people on the glitz and glamor involved in battling evil forces. They will come for the cherry-red blazers and the sockless “wet look.” They will stay for the satisfaction of a job well done.
A NOTE TO LETTER-WRITERS: By now, I feel like I know many of you very well, and I’ve learned an indescribably vast amount from certain associates at law firms who probably ought to be racking up billable hours but are instead writing incredibly thoughtful analyses of domestic politics and the Terror War, health care professionals who’ve sold me on the virtues of high deductibles, neoliberals from Chicago, a number of brilliant bloggers, homemakers from L.A., high school students from Tatarstan, military personnel risking their lives to defend our country and our shared values. It’s really something, and I feel very grateful. I hope I don’t let you down.
— Reihan Salam
The Dish 