It’s worrying enough that we find that some Christian fundamentalists have undermined the Air Force Academy. It’s bad enough that some extremists seem to think that this is a good way to win a war of ideas against extremist Islam. But when our own military seems to be advertizing an explicitly Christian identity in Iraq, then it’s time the president took action. Whoever in the marines allowed this tank to be defaced in this way needs to be removed from his post. It’s an outrage – to both the New Testament and to our mission in Iraq.
HIV NOW: Thanks for your emails of concern. I’ll be fine. My point is simply to write more candidly about some of the issues facing gay men two decades after HIV first emerged. A good critique of my points can be found here. A candid elaboration of some of the issues is contained in this email:
First, I’m sorry to hear of your latest numbers. I know all too well what it’s like to pass a week every three months hoping that your labs will confirm that your choices are working and your options are open.
Second, you’re right that HIV care has gotten a helluva lot easier. Since I seroconverted about two years ago, I’ve been on a twice-a-day combo that even comes with the special gift of far-out fabulous dreams, courtesy of Sustiva. I still have worries – any career break that might mean suspending health insurance is a complete non-starter, for example. But on the whole it’s been relatively easy, so much so that my biggest challenge for a while has been convincing myself, and fully internalizing, that I actually have this thing, that I am HIV+.
And that same unreality around HIV drove my sexual choices back when I seroconverted. The scare tactics didn’t do much for me any more; all I had was a vague moral sense that using condoms was the right thing to do. And let’s face it, even the most conservative of us gay men instinctively repels just a little bit at the sense of external moral threats. Unfortunately that instinct was just strong enough to keep me from talking openly with my other gay friends about the disappearance of condoms from my bedside, and I never really had the conversation I needed until after I was diagnosed.
I have a hunch, based purely on anecdotal evidence, that HIV is on the rise among educated, middle-class gay men. The stats don’t reflect that yet, but I’ve seen myself and others similarly situated victimize themselves in the double-bind I just described. In the heat of the moment, the instrumental calculus just isn’t going to inspire you to wrap it up. But the lingering moral tsk-tsk makes any failure to wrap it up all but unsayable. We have to figure out a way to get beyond this impasse. Or we need a working microbicide. Behavior modification has its limits, and I think we’ve met them.
Criticism of people with HIV can only go so far. In consensual private adult sex, after all, no gay man can claim innocence of danger any more. My own modest suggestion is an ad campaign focusing on the possible physical effects of HIV and HIV meds. Appealing to some men’s vanity by portraying people with AIDS as emaciated or suffering from lipodystrophy might help: it’s a more tangible threat than a very distant and vague health menace in a decade or so. I should also add that I don’t want to minimize the negative impact of HIV on my life. I went through hell for a while, and a terror that required all my psychological and spiritual resources to face down. (My memoir of this is contained in “Love Undetectable,” the book I’m proudest of.) The paradox is that if you have marshalled the capacity to face down a life-threatening condition, you have to some extent conquered fear. And conquering fear is contagious. In fact, my very existence as a happy, healthy, productive man with HIV is in itself undermining the safer sex message. Success means failure. But what am I to do? Wear a burka? Pretend I’m close to death?
The Dish 