A reader writes:
I don’t have AIDS but I was recently treated for a cancer that could come back and finish me off, and I was struck by your mention of "spiritual blessings." I agree that I have found a greater connection to God (and to the suffering of others) as a result of my illness but I didn’t get there as a result of praying. I got there because I was an agnostic who found herself really, really angry at God, realized for the first time in my life as a result of that anger that I had a personal connection to God and somehow went from there, from shaking my fist in the air, to acceptance and gratitude.
Prayer and hope are lovely but you can also get there through bile. And isn’t the redemptive power of anger something that us cancer patients learned from AIDS patients?
Another writes:
I don’t have HIV ‚Äì but I do have Hepatitis C, I was diagnosed 5 years ago, at age 51. I knew how I got it – about 25 years earlier – in a bad state of mind I did a very foolish thing with drugs and put some in my arm. Something I did exactly twice, but as you and I now know, some things you only need to do once. I tried the treatment drugs, but my system reacted badly to them and the doctors pulled me off them. They would only put me back on if I would take a whole slew of other medications. I tried that, but I didn’t even feel alive. I didn’t feel anything. I couldn’t live like that, so they are not an option.
After I got over the sense of despair and doom that initially enveloped me I decided to do everything I could to enjoy whatever life I might have left, while still taking care of myself as best as I could. The first and best move was to get over and out of ‘oh, poor me’. Once I disposed of the ‘If only I hadn’t’ crap, things started getting better. I started writing (song parodies and occasional poems) and doing whatever things I could. It took me a while to get grounded again.
But skip to present ‚Äì I found a new job that suits me better than my old one. While I have some digestive issues I am otherwise healthy enough to play basketball and play ping-pong competitively with guys from work in their 20s and 30s. I beat one of them last night at basketball AND ping-pong. Yes, I am fully enjoying life now … I write, I participate in active sports activities at a level that most guys my age cannot do, I fully rediscovered my love of music that had gone a little sour over the years.
I don’t know how long I have and I don’t think about it all that much ‚Äì I will have what I will have. I will do whatever I can to sustain it as long as there are still quality things I can do.
Live till you die. Be able to say: "I was alive when I died."
The Dish 