Small Town Girl

A reader writes:

I have been a long time reader of your blog. I felt compelled after seeing the Bronski Beat video and reading the response you posted to email you my story.

I am a 32 year old woman, wife and mother of 2 beautiful children and who has not seen or been in contact with my father for 28 years. Growing up I always wondered why my father left. My mother would always say he was just a dead beat dad and to never try to make contact with him. I never understood her animosity towards him or why she was so adamant about me never to locate him or reach out to him. When you’re that young you just listen to what your mom says and do what she tells you to do without question.

When I was about 18 it finally "came out" that my father was a gay man. This of course was told to me by my mother who said she found gay porn in our home and blamed it on my brother. It was when my mother confronted my father with her findings he admitted they where his magazines. Nothing else was said. A divorce soon followed.

Since this was revealed to me I have strongly believed that anyone, no matter what, should have the same rights as everyone else in this world. It seems a simple thing to me. I know that if this was the right of everyone 32 years ago I would not be here but I was the product of what my father was trying to hide from. I think that is painful for both him and myself and may be why he has never tried to make contact with me. And I with him.

Watching that video made me think of what he must have gone through and even though I don’t agree that he should have cut off all ties with me, I can, in a small way, understand.

I know there are more people in this world just like me and in the same situation.  Maybe we should all come out and tell this stupid administration that gay marriage is not a "threat to the family and to civilization".  What is a threat is making someone feel so ashamed of who they are live a lie. Force them to feel they have to marry a women or a man, have a child, than abandon that child leaving the child to wonder why?

Thank you for listening to my story. I hope it made sense.

It does. It’s a culture that makes this happen that makes no sense. But it’s changing.

Quote for the Day

Pumpkin_pie

"I was all set to do a really kick-ass column this week on cuckolding‚Äîwherein a straight man watches, or is told about, another man having sex with his wife or girlfriend‚Äîwhen one of my coworkers walked in with a pan of pumpkin pot cake. She told us that the cake was a complete failure as a drug; she had eaten two pieces the night before and didn’t get high at all. It was, however, pretty tasty cake, so she brought it in to work to share with everybody.

Well, it seems that my coworker’s tolerance for THC is lots higher than mine. I had one little sliver of cake‚Äîmaybe two‚Äîand now I’m so fucking baked I can hardly see my laptop. I shouldn’t be writing a column in this condition‚Äîgoodness, what if someone were to actually take my advice?‚Äîbut deadlines are deadlines and no editor will accept performance de-hancing drugs as an excuse for missing one. So I set aside the contentious cuckolding issue until next week and scrounged up a few questions that, even stoned, I can’t screw up. Or can I?" – Dan Savage, in this week’s "Savage Love."

The Rumsfeld Memo

Rumsfeldharazghanbariap_1

The Bush administration is leaking like a spigot right now. The latest is interesting because it gives a glimpse into the thinking of the man who ran the occupation for three years of failure. I find it significant that, in the memo, it doesn’t even occur to Rumsfeld that the U.S. ever needed or needs more troops to succeed. His memo recommends a drastic reduction in U.S. goals in the country – "go minimalist." Minimalist is, of course, as good a description as any of his policy for the last three years as well. And he gives us a candid admission of his own miserable failure:

Clearly, what U.S. forces are currently doing in Iraq is not working well enough or fast enough.

Even then, of course, he sees no connection between "what U.S. forces are currently doing" and himself, their defense secretary. But at least he sees the writing in the sand:

Below the Line (less attractive options):

¶Continue on the current path.

Meanwhile, blame, blame, blame: blame every other government agency; blame the Iraqis; blame the country; blame the soldiers. And, of course: never take responsibility. Same old Don. But here are, to my mind, his main proposals:

¬∂Conduct an accelerated draw-down of U.S. bases. We have already reduced from 110 to 55 bases. Plan to get down to 10 to 15 bases by April 2007, and to 5 bases by July 2007…

¬∂Position substantial U.S. forces near the Iranian and Syrian borders to reduce infiltration and, importantly, reduce Iranian influence on the Iraqi Government…

¶Withdraw U.S. forces from vulnerable positions — cities, patrolling, etc. — and move U.S. forces to a Quick Reaction Force (QRF) status, operating from within Iraq and Kuwait, to be available when Iraqi security forces need assistance.

So he was favoring a drastic reduction in troops and goals before he quit. (Why he couldn’t have secured the Iranian and Syrian borders in, say, 2003, is another matter.) So the Bush strategy of Full Steam Ahead is undermined again.

Here’s a mischievous thought. What if the two most recent leaks – the Hadley Memo and the Rumsfeld Memo – came from the same source? What if they were designed to kill any attempt by Bush and Cheney to pretend things are okay, that Maliki is viable, and that a revamped effort can work?

And what if the leaker were a man who just got fired and who’s skilled at bureaucratic payback? Just musing.

(Photo: Haraz Ghanbari/AP.)

Denialists Dig In

Both National Review and the Weekly Standard aim for the Baker-Hamilton Group this week. But when you examine what the Kristol-Kagan team sees as the alternative to a gradual retreat from the South and Anbar into Kurdistan, you can’t help wondering how serious they really are. Money quote:

We hope that he will now take the steps necessary to accomplish his stated objectives in Iraq, including a substantial increase in the number of U.S. forces in Baghdad and throughout the contested parts of the country, as well as a long overdue increase in the total size of American ground forces so that higher force levels in Iraq can be sustained.

How much higher would make a difference? At this point, close to 50,000 to 100,000 extra troops to halt the centrifugal force of societal disintegration in Iraq. Does the Weekly Standard seriously believe that is either politically or militarily possible with the urgency necessary? Of course not. Would, say, another 20,000 troops work in a pitched battle with Sadrite forces to retake parts of Baghdad? Unlikely – and with massive casualties probably prompting an uprising in the South. Anbar is all but gone. The South is a battleground for various Shiite militias and sending U.S. troops in to police the conflict is madness. But even if you reduced troops in the South and West, and focused on 20,000 more troops just for Baghdad, it’s a stretch. As even Fred Kagan acknowledges:

It is certainly true that only the 20,000 or so troops now programmed to deploy to Iraq in the spring are ready to go. Others could be made ready only in months, and would require accelerated training schedules.

We need at least 50,000 NOW. The only way to do that is sending untrained and ill-prepared or exhausted forces into a combat zone as chaotic and as opaque and as deadly as urban warfare in Baghdad. it would mean re-taking Baghdad three years after we did the first time, with far fewer advantages. And the massive surge in U.S. casualties it would mean would provoke massive opposition at home. If Rumsfeld and Cheney and Bush had done this three years ago, it might have had a chance. But they were too arrogant to do what was obviously needed when it mattered, and the window of opportunity is over. To ask for such a radical re-upping of the ante now – after the American public’s patience has been exhausted and the Iraqi population has been massacred and thereby embittered on a large scale – is simply a non-starter.

The attempt to belittle the efforts of Baker-Hamilton is therefore pure positioning. In Margaret Thatcher’s phrase, there is tragically no alternative to some sort of retrenchment and retreat right now. I agree we need an effort to expand the military by several divisions. That was Al Gore’s position in 2000, by the way, the candidate the Weekly Standard hounded as insane and weak. It was Kerry’s position in 2004, another candidate the WS smeared as Jane Fonda in drag. Maybe a period of retrenchment and rebuilding of US forces could mean a new offensive in a year or so. But the idea that it can be accomplished swiftly enough now to make a difference in a "country" that has already disintegrated into Hobbesian hell is pure fantasy and Bill Kristol and Bob Kagan must know it.

There is a mood on the right at this moment that is not entirely rational. They are lashing out at the people who can rescue them from the folly of the Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld policy in Iraq. They are viciously attacking those who have had the temerity to expain why they lost the last election. And they are throwing the vilest of epithets at James Baker. Please. This is not 1991. They are as graceless in defeat now as they were hubristic in premature victory three years ago. Or to put it more precisely, they are exactly what National Review accuses the Baker-Hamilton Commission of being: "driven by their own internal dynamics rather than by any connection to the real world."

It’s over, guys. Your beloved Bush administration botched this so badly it’s irrecoverable. You enabled them. You never fully took them on when it would have counted – and you trashed those of us who did. You knew this before the 2004 election and still cynically played the anti-Kerry card for all it was worth, telling yourselves you could sway Rummy after the election. Well, you couldn’t and you didn’t. Your policy was sabotaged by a defense secretary who never believed in it and by a president too weak and out-of-it to rein him in. Get over yourselves and recognize that this dream has died. And we have to fight the nightmare we now face rather than pretend your dream is still even on life-support. That’s the patriotic responsibility at this point. And no, I’m not impugning your patriotism. I’m asking you to place it before your shattered dreams.

Blogging Drunk

A reader asks:

Have you ever blogged while drunk? BUI? This is not a criticism. I’m with you 99.9 percent of the time, including supporting, then not supporting, the Iraq War, but excluding the ‘men are attractive’ thing. I actually want to know if you’ve ever blogged while intoxicated. I should ask Instapundit. Think he’s ever blogged drunk? I bet he hasn’t. He’s too geeky. But you strike me as a potential drunk blogger. Which of your posts was a BUI post?

What’s the .01 time which we don’t agree? I dunno. Too sloshed from post-work drinks to remember. Love your website.

Well, I have now posted an email obviously composed while drunk. The answer – honestly – is no. The Jagermeister_bottle_1 reason is that, despite my Irish genes, I don’t really drink much. Never liked alcohol much. In fact, I’m almost exclusively an occasional Jagermeister shot-drinker (regular coke to chase) and if I’m doing that, it means the workday is over. My regular hangout – the Duplex Diner in DC – is used to the combo. A friend asked for it at the bar last Thursday night (power-fag night in DC) and he was asked, "Oh is Andrew in?"

Still, writing round the clock means that you really do write while your life is going on. If you’re human, you have moods. Normally a writer can disguise this a little, waiting until he or she feels better or cheerier before publishing or writing a piece. But not on a blog. The writing follows your actual life like a shadow.

This means, of course, that there are some things I have posted over six years of daily blogging that I wish I hadn’t. There are things I also haven’t said that I should have. I have blogged angry or exhausted or depressed or giddy. I have blogged after fighting with my boyfriend; I have blogged with a beagle baying in the background; I have blogged in airports and trains and many, many Starbucks. I’ve blogged on Xanax and on protease inhibitors – but I swear I haven’t blogged drunk. But I’m sure, for some readers, it seems like I do on a regular basis.

Living Till You Die

A reader writes:

I don’t have AIDS but I was recently treated for a cancer that could come back and finish me off, and I was struck by your mention of "spiritual blessings." I agree that I have found a greater connection to God (and to the suffering of others) as a result of my illness but I didn’t get there as a result of praying.  I got there because I was an agnostic who found herself really, really angry at God, realized for the first time in my life as a result of that anger that I had a personal connection to God and somehow went from there, from shaking my fist in the air, to acceptance and gratitude.

Prayer and hope are lovely but you can also get there through bile. And isn’t the redemptive power of anger something that us cancer patients learned from AIDS patients?

Another writes:

I don’t have HIV ‚Äì but I do have Hepatitis C, I was diagnosed 5 years ago, at age 51. I knew how I got it – about 25 years earlier – in a bad state of mind I did a very foolish thing with drugs and put some in my arm. Something I did exactly twice, but as you and I now know, some things you only need to do once.  I tried the treatment drugs, but my system reacted badly to them and the doctors pulled me off them. They would only put me back on if I would take a whole slew of other medications. I tried that, but I didn’t even feel alive. I didn’t feel anything. I couldn’t live like that, so they are not an option.

After I got over the sense of despair and doom that initially enveloped me I decided to do everything I could to enjoy whatever life I might have left, while still taking care of myself as best as I could. The first and best move was to get over and out of ‘oh, poor me’. Once I disposed of the ‘If only I hadn’t’ crap, things started getting better. I started writing (song parodies and occasional poems) and doing whatever things I could. It took me a while to get grounded again.

But skip to present ‚Äì I found a new job that suits me better than my old one. While I have some digestive issues I am otherwise healthy enough to play basketball and play ping-pong competitively with guys from work in their 20s and 30s. I beat one of them last night at basketball AND ping-pong. Yes, I am fully enjoying life now … I write, I participate in active sports activities at a level that most guys my age cannot do, I fully rediscovered my love of music that had gone a little sour over the years.   

I don’t know how long I have and I don’t think about it all that much ‚Äì I will have what I will have. I will do whatever I can to sustain it as long as there are still quality things I can do.

Live till you die. Be able to say: "I was alive when I died."