A reader writes:
I feel you on the necessity of coming out. After reading your original post I was 100% in agreement. But then I read the dissent. And while I agree that the sort of victimology that mindset can reinforce I have to say that I do feel there is some validity in his point. I volunteer at a community center aimed at gay, black youth in Atlanta. And working there I've seen all too often the consequences of coming out too early. I know too many decent, smart young men who were kicked out, disowned and end up working the streets or committing crimes of necessity to survive. These guys full of potential end up with criminal records and become more or less unemployable. And, unfortunately, the black gay community doesn't have the same solidarity and economic power that the white gay community does. A lot of these kids end up permanently crippled for life in more ways than one. I don't have any hard data on this, but from my experience I would say the rate of mental illness among gay black youth is much higher than in the general population.
This sort of situation has all kinds of side effects, ranging from sex addictions to leeching and using men, to habitual dishonesty. I could keep going. The point being that these young men simply didn't have any good options if their family doesn't choose to put up with them after coming out.
I can personally attest to this myself. I came out to my family a little over a year ago. I come from a religiously conservative, upper middle-class northern black family. Upon coming out I was promptly excommunicated from my church and lost my entire social network outside of school. My extended family won't talk to me. My immediate family has more or less cut me off financially and they have no intention of maintaining contact once I've graduated and gotten a job. My only saving grace was the fact that I'm in a prestigious engineering program and have financial aid that allows me to scrape by with a part-time job. But there were definitely times when I wasn't sure where I was going to sleep or if I was going to find the money for school the next semester.
The point I'm trying to make is that the point of coming out is to show that we're normal, productive members of society just like everybody else. We're not sex craved lunatics like some would have you believe. But if we come out and have no other options our chances of becoming those well-adjusted, stable and upstanding citizens are very diminished. And we do suffer the side effects of such a major life change like coming out it just gives those who look down on us more reason to reinforce their pathologies. And that's exactly what we don't want to happen.
On the other hand, coming out has made me a stronger person and helped me grow personally in many ways. So while I definitely encourage coming out sooner rather than later I also recommend prudence so people don't shoot themselves in the foot just so they can live openly. In some cases it's just not worth it.
The Dish 