A reader writes:
Really enjoyed the post on whether ex-gays exist, but I was struck by one follow-up thought: where do you think bisexuals fit into this? While I think it's true that most people who try to "change" their sexuality really do end up deeply tortured and unhappy, is it possible that some of the "success" stories are really bisexuals who can manage to repress one part of their sexuality while indulging another? Obviously this would represent a relatively small portion of the "ex-gay" movement, but it seems like it might be able to account for enough "true believers" to keep this horrible process supplied with public faces.
Another writes:
Are real ex-gays out there? Sure there are. In my life, I've known three very good examples.
The first was the friend of a friend, who after being out and gay and with a couple of stable, happy relationships under his belt, fell in love with and got married to a woman. The second case is a couple in New York City. A gay man and a lesbian, both prominent activists, who one day many years ago, to the surprise of everyone, announced that they had gotten married. To each other. (I remember hearing of a similar case in Boston.)
The third is my brother. I know the most about his situation. When he met the woman who was to be his wife, he was very clear about spurning her interests, letting her know that he was gay. She responded by saying that at her age (they were well into their thirties), she was much more interested in having a good friend who was a man rather than a sexual partner, as it was obvious to both of them from the start that they shared a lot of common interests and they really enjoyed each others company. As they grew to become very important in each other's lives, a curious thing happened: my brother started to become sexually attracted to this woman. He was, and is, still sexually attracted to men, but over twenty years ago, they decided to solemnize their relationship and were married. They're still crazy about each other, and very happy, traveling the world and enjoying their life together.
In my own thinking about this issue, I've come to the conclusion that if we really were to live in a world where same-sex attraction was no more notable than being left-handed, the issue of what arrangement of genitals a person had would be much less important than the person himself or herself. It would not be especially odd for any two people to come together and decide to build a life together, one based on honesty, openness, acceptance, and love.
Neither of these three men consider themselves to be "ex-gay," as far as I know, in the sense that they deny that same sex attraction is part and parcel of who they are. However, two of them don't consider themselves to be gay at this point, for the obvious reason of their marriage, although they are both still very supportive of LGBT equality. (The third I just don't know well enough to be in a position to know his feelings, but I suspect he's in the same boat.)
Another:
I'm not sure the label ex-gay fits my experience any better than most other labels, but I know you are wrong when you say "Very, very few people who are the norm in a society where the norm is overwhelmingly celebrated, are going to be in denial that they're really straight. Maybe a few fluid lesbians in college. But that's it. I can't imagine a straight guy feeling in any way pressured to live a gay life."
While I don't doubt that there are very few ex-gays, let me tell you my story and see if it changes your mind. I've never been comfortable with labels on sexuality, and mine has been pretty fluid throughout my life.
As a teenager I had very little sexual drive. Unlike most all my peers, and really teenagers in general, I wasn't driven to be in a relationship or to constantly try to have sex. I was a bit socially awkward, but had several friends, male and female, and think I was generally well adjusted. I attended college for a while after high school, and the same general pattern emerged. I had several friends, but no relationships. After I dropped out of college I did seek companionship, someone who I could be with and depend on. Many of my friends at the time were gay and so I dated a several guys and even had sexual relationships with some of them, but none ever really felt right and they never worked out. My sense of self was in serious flux during this time, and maybe my desire to date men was simply a way to push the limits on who I was. By the time I was 21, another guy and I had developed a close friendship, more like a kinship, and moved in together, but we did not have any kind of a physical relationship. Over the next 9 years I met many of my life-long friends, most of whom are gay, but I no longer felt the desire to date or have a sexual relationship with anyone. I no longer considered myself gay, but I also wasn't looking for a straight relationship.
About the time I turned 30 I started feeling like something was missing from my life. I started dating again, only women, for I felt no desire towards men. Eventually I met the woman I'm with today. My love for her is stronger and deeper than anything I'd known before. We are now engaged and will be married next year and I couldn't be happier. What I've found especially curious is that my sexual drive is greater now than it has been at any point in my life. It seems that most men after 30 start to experience a slow decline, and I'm sure I eventually will as well, but that couldn't be further from my experience.
I'm not religious, although I did grow up Catholic. I've never felt pressured by society or my family to build a normal life. If anything can be said of my desire to find someone to settle down with, it's probably the deeply rooted desire for children and a family of my own.
The Dish 