A reader writes:
My dad had a plaque on his dresser that he looked at every morning as he got dressed. It read: "The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." I find more and more wisdom in that saying the older I get.
Another writes:
I definitely agree with what Bryan Caplan has to say about the bad spouse/good parent equation. One thing I'd like to add though is that it's important for kids to see some discord, especially if it's handled well.
I once read a really persuasive article (I forgot where exactly) about how people who grew up with parents who had apparently "perfect" relationships – no visible fighting – would then get freaked out once strife arrived in their own romantic relationships. (This article covers some of the same ideas as the one I'm trying to think of.) Because they never saw their parents fight, they a) didn't know how to fight, in a healthy or unhealthy way, and b) thought that "good" relationships are argument-free. In fact, even the parents with "perfect" relationships did fight, they just did it behind closed doors.
Obviously the important part is to fight respectfully and constructively – not just spewing vitriol. But showing that disagreement can be (and usually is) a part of a healthy relationship – and showing HOW to fight respectively and constructively – can actually be beneficial for the kids, long-term.
Another makes the same basic point through personal experience:
I grew up with parents who insisted that they didn’t fight and kept most of their conflicts out of my sight. My wife, on the other hand, had parents who fought in front of her. She entered our marriage with a healthier, more realistic, understanding of the institution. To this day, I avoid most conflicts and experience them as harmful (even when I know they are not); she experiences conflict as a normal part of human relationships.
We often struggle with arguing in front of our two daughters. Do they really need to see all the small, insignificant conflicts of our stressed lives played out in front of them? There are some arguments I have ended by simply refusing to respond. But there is a lesson lost when parents don’t ever argue in front of children. I don’t want my daughters to grow up – like I did – with unrealistic expectations about what makes for a healthy relationship. I want them to see that love doesn’t take away conflict and hurt feelings; it doesn’t mean you will never harm the other person or be pained by their actions or words. I want them to see that love means forgiving and being forgiven. I want them to enter adult relationships knowing the challenges ahead because they have seen their parents work through difficult times and painful moments and still come out the other end together.
In short, I want them to see what marriage really is. Our culture already provides them with enough false models.
The Dish 