A reader writes:
I’m surprised that you of all people can’t appreciate the very human failing of Mike McQueary when he witnessed one of Sandusky’s heinous crimes firsthand. I’m with you on the condemnation he deserves for his response afterwards and in the many years since then, but I cannot blame him for failing to intervene in that moment. First, the report says that both Sandusky and the boy saw McQueary see them, so it’s likely that the rape ended at that moment (though we don’t know). Second, he’s human. The guy (McQueary) walked into the place (hallowed ground for him) late at night and was suddenly faced with a scene so horrific and so far outside his realm of possibility that it probably took him several seconds to even grasp what he was seeing. When humans are faced with situations like this, many (most?) of us will desperately seek to disappear, or to rationalize, or to reconcile what we’re seeing with the reality we’d been living in right up to then. In that moment, we choke. I agree that it’s critical that we not choke, for the victim, for our own humanity. But we do.
Another reader:
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, at the hands of a family member, and witnessed by another who did not intervene and who said nothing: THANK YOU. What that child most needed in that moment was rescuing, and McQueary turned his back on that. I remember that particular moment so intently; that someone who could have rescued me, whom I trusted, chose not to (and it was a choice). The lasting impact on my life has been a feeling that I was not worth helping.
There is such a lasting legacy from abuse, that I don’t believe others understand, no matter how well-intentioned. It is not what defines me, but it certainly impacts me. I never told, because a trusted member of my family knew and he didn’t speak up. My little ten year old brain processed that and decided I couldn’t tell my folks because then they would be forced to choose between me and other family members. So, I set about trying to save myself. I became a fixer and I took on enormous responsibilities, and blamed myself at the first sign of a problem.
Unfortunately, for me, that translated into marrying at 20, and tolerating emotional abuse for 20 years, all the while blaming myself for choosing him and trying to fix it, and doing such a great job of making things look great that everyone thought we were a “perfect” family with four wonderful kids to show for it. And then, I came undone, except I didn’t…my abuser was killed in a hit and run, the witness died of old age, and I suddenly saw the world as a safe place and I was able to put down the shame, the self-blame and guilt. I was finally able to truly save myself. As my therapist put it: I came into my own. It has been difficult, scary, and sad – for me and my kids. It is my daily prayer that time will heal and that we will all eventually find happiness.
I am not exactly sure why I am sharing all this with you, but it just feels right…after all, you share so much every day.
Another:
Is the man a hero? No. Should he have done better? Yes. Is he “as depraved as others who stood by and did nothing?” I can’t agree. I was never told that the proper response to *anything* is physical violence. If something terrible is happening, I’m supposed to call 911, not try to stop–for example–domestic violence. I’d have been quite satisfied if he’d immediately called the police. As it is, I find him several notches above those who did nothing, and several notches below who I’d like to associate with.
But this was a child! The imbalance of power, the over-whelming moral responsibility to stop it immediately, to rescue the child, should, in my view, trump everything else. Another:
On the letter by the reader giving a possible reason for McQueary’s terrible decision: please don’t confuse a reason with an excuse. People walk away from the sounds of domestic violence in the apartment upstairs, a child in China bleeding in the street, Kitty Genovese … go all the way up the chain into the Holocaust. People turn away. Why? We call it simple cowardice. I’m willing to bet if you asked McQueary just moments before he saw this rape, if you asked him, “what would you do if you saw a child being tortured?” He’d likely respond the way most of us would, by saying that he’d do everything to stop it, he’d rescue the child. But when faced with this actual situation, he did nothing. Well, he told his dad. And then, over the years, he likely justified this action in his mind, that he did do something. He did tell an authority, he probably reasons.
It isn’t a good reason. It certainly isn’t an excuse. We, outside of that locker room would all say the same thing: we would rescue that child. We absolutely would. But then there’s Kitty. And the child bleeding to death on a street in China. And certainly there are the thousands of rapes of children in the Congo happening right now. People turn away. There’s no excuse. But until we find out what the reasons are that people turn away, how can we ensure that next time, they won’t? Given the (deserved) shaming of McQueary, how do we ensure that the next person tells someone, anyone at all, instead of just turning away and telling no one?
We all, if asked in a comfortable setting, sipping a coffee and eating a gluten-free vanilla scone, will say without reservation that we would absolutely save that child. I bet McQueary thought so too, until he didn’t. I need to know how he reasoned it, how he lived with it, how he justified it, so that we can hopefully provide people with better fucking reasoning skills.
A final reader:
What if McQeary himself was abused? Are you saying that abuse survivors are supposed to react normally to seeing abuse of others? Because if you are, you’re completely crossing the line. You don’t have to know a whole lot about PTSD to understand that any trigger can paralyze a survivor – even just seeing a kid play with an adult. Seeing another child being abused? I’d give him credit for doing anything but curling up in a ball.
The lengths to which these readers will go to excuse someone who saw a child being anally raped and didn’t immediately stop it boggles my mind. But we have a policy of airing all dissents here, so make your own mind up. I stand by every word I wrote.
The Dish 