A reader writes:
While I agree with Susan Newman that having an only child doesn't necessarily mean that child will be predisposed to selfishness and bossiness, there are still other factors to consider after adolescence. While I have two wonderful younger brothers, my wife is an only child. Two months ago, her mother passed away unexpectedly. It was a very difficult time for us, and still is, but her comment that struck me more than any other was: "I've never wanted a brother or sister more in my life." She felt so alone, and when around her father, she felt like she had to be "on"; he needed her to be supportive.
Another reader, an only-child, makes related points:
I'm sure I benefited from being the center of my parent's attention, because it provided me with lots of evidence that I was valued, thus I came to value myself, but not to the point of disregarding the preferences of others. Being an only child also allowed me to feel comfortable with solitude. Although I enjoy the company of others, I am still content to be alone. I probably wouldn't have come to appreciate reading as much if I had always had a sibling around to play with. So I see benefits of being an only child.
I don't feel deprived that I grew up without siblings, but I disagree with the idea “…that siblings really may be ‘good for nothing.’” When I was the caretaker for each of my parents in their dying months, many times I thought about how nice it would be if I had someone with whom to share that responsibility. I am glad I had the opportunity to care for them during that time–we had many sweet moments–but it was exhausting. I know that even if one has siblings, caretaking can fall primarily on one person, but just having emotional support from them during that time would have been helpful. Caretaking also had a huge negative impact on my income for close to two years at a time that I was at the peak of my earnings. This not only affected me then, but also now in terms of the lost contributions to my retirement. If I had had siblings to share caretaking responsibilities, it would have been nice not to have taken such a financial hit. It is what it is, however.
While it felt inconsequential earlier in life, I find that I miss having siblings now that I am in my 60s. I am widowed with no children, so it would be nice to have siblings who share a common history (even though each sibling has a different history with the same parents). All families are not the Waltons, and the possibility certainly exists for siblings to become estranged, but they can also become best friends. Siblings are not necessary to have a successful life, but I certainly would not call them "good for nothing."
Another reader goes in another direction:
One thing that I’ve never seen discussed about the only child phenomenon: how it leads to fewer inter-generational family connections. Picture it: if two only children marry, their kids will have no aunts or uncles or cousins. Aunts, uncles and cousins are invaluable parts of life, not as close or intense as relationships with siblings or parents, but still locked-in, blood.
Sure, kids of two singletons will probably have plenty of adults who are friends of their parents, and those people’s kids, to socialize with, but that’s not the same as relatives whom you interact with at every holiday, wedding, wake, and other family event for decade upon decade, for better or worse. My life and that of my siblings has been rich with such relationships (mother from a family of 6, father from a family of 8). One uncle taught me how to shave. One aunt encouraged my reading and writing (she started calling me “Professor” when I was 7 years old). My hundreds of cousins (when we count the family back to the great-grandparents, which we do) run the gamut from whack-job to saint, local jailbirds to national journalists.
I sometimes think about China’s one-child policy primarily in these terms: whole generations without aunts, uncles or cousins. How sad.
The Dish 