A reader writes:
I find it interesting the number of articles related to sexual behaviors and the counterpoint of marriage monogamy. I recently have had to deal with something that hit home in a very serious and disturbing way. My wife recently had a sexual encounter with a random stranger, within an hour of meeting him. This was, and is, extremely disturbing to me. I am not religious but do believe in the power that comes from monogamy. We have a fairly healthy marriage, three children, and a relatively reasonable lifestyle. My wife had never been with another man previous to me and had been 100% faithful since our vows. So how in the hell does this happen?
Well, it turns out, she is bipolar.
Previously in therapy and diagnosed as ADD and clinically depressed, she gets to be in the special club of 80% of all bipolar patients being misdiagnosed. Her behavior decidedly impacted our marriage over the years and most recently, after a miscarriage in April, spun into an ugly summer-long hypomanic episode. This led to her disconnecting her emotions to myself, our children, her marriage, and her life. She also has the wonderful symptom of hypersexuality (every man's dream … yeah right). These are all symptoms of the root disorder which is bipolar disorder (a woefully over diagnosed but, ironically, woefully misdiagnosed serious mental illness).
My wife and I are working through the horror this mental illness has brought upon us. I am feeling confident we will make it through. However, her sexual encounter and opportunity – and the reason why it even had an opportunity to arise – was the result of her mental illness. She is not a sex addict; she is not ADD; she is not clinically depressed but she has all these symptoms due to a spectrum mental illness.
There should be no doubt that irregular behavior is the result of distorted realities brought on the individual due to mental illness. These behaviors can become manifest due to nurture or life events (PTSD comes to mind but it is more like diabetes). Whether the person knows about it or does or does not accept what their disorder is does not make it any less real or prevent it from running its course.
People can be "sex addict" skeptics if they choose to be. I suppose we can all look at empirical data and deny its existence, instead chalking it up to conscience decisions, poor judgement, poor character, and low moral standards – but that really is just not true. Maybe it's true in high school – when many of us make most of our judgements on the whole human race, when everyone is a bit unstable. But when folks make it to 30 or 40 years old and continue this behavior – ruining their lives and relationships – it is not because they choose to be this way. In fact, they do not want to but, like any addict (in this case, folks addicted to chemicals in their brains), they cannot stop the compulsions that drive them.
My wife is mentally ill. She is crazy. It caused her to self-destruct and behave outside of her character. She has nearly lost her family, her self-image, and her husband. No reasonable person behaves this way without being mentally ill and, I assure you as the forgiver, it is not a "get out of jail free" card. It's something far more evil and frightening: the acceptance of being mentally ill for the rest of your life.
The Dish 