Readers pivot on the thread:
Here’s another aspect of the engagement conundrum: what do we gay folks give as a token of our proposals? I imagine lesbians (some, at least) will go the traditional diamond route, as our culture clearly accepts a diamond ring on a woman’s hand in a way they don’t on men’s hands. But guys (most of us, anyway) aren’t interested in a delicate band with a shiny rock perched atop. So what to do?
Here’s what I did when I proposed to my husband six years ago: I bought him a very nice watch (Omega Seamaster, if you must know), and told him (in a romantic setting) that I wanted to spend “every day, every hour and every minute” of the rest of our lives as his husband. Then I said, “and so you will remember that, I want you to wear this,” and pulled the lovely red box from where I had hidden it.
I think the gift of a watch makes a perfect modern tradition – it has utility, not just attractiveness, plus the added symbolism of marking the time of a relationship intended to last a lifetime.
Another asks:
You’ve probably mentioned this already, but how did you and Aaron signify your engagement?
All I gave Aaron was another round of margaritas. Another reader on the “perfect male engagement ring”:
Before I proposed to my now-husband, I had seen a handful of friends and acquaintances go through the same process. There was no consensus on how to propose to another guy, but what I often saw was that one partner would propose to the other with a gold or platinum band, and then either reach into his pocket and pull out another ring for himself to wear, or (in one case) ask the partner to buy him a matching ring. That all seemed a little odd, and frankly those were wedding rings they were really talking about, not engagement rings. After all, what were they going to exchange at the ceremony?
I gave it some thought and got my boo the watch he’d always dreamed of, and I had the watch engraved. It’s the perfect male engagement ring: it’s a piece of jewelry signifying time spent together, it stands on its own (as a diamond ring does) without requiring reciprocation, and, well, it’s a lot more masculine than a diamond. And we exchanged bands on our wedding day, and it was perfect.
I’m curious as to what other same sex couples have done – and whether the diamond ring tradition sticks with the lesbian community.
Another guy:
My husband and I got engaged a few years back when marriage was made legal in Washington, DC. When it came to figuring out rings we decided on two inexpensive (“cheap” feels harsh, but they were about $10 apiece) stainless steel rings we bought in a bead shop off Dupont Circle. We figured they were just engagement rings and we’d get around to buying “real” rings at some point.
Well, life got ahead of us, and after losing our first dog to cancer, the wedding got put on hold for a few years (first grief, and then just the rolling tide of life). Two years ago we finally got around to getting married. Among all the preparation for the big day, we kept putting off the buying of super expensive rings. Our brother in-law is a master jeweler and had even offered to design special rings for us. But the funny thing is, we’d gotten very attached to the simple rings on our fingers. In the end we stuck with those stainless steel rings.
Here’s what made it special for us and more than our engagement rings: our marriage rings – our simple public ritual – included exchanging our rings through all of our assembled friends and family members. We thought it would be a quick passing of rings through the crowd, but Andrew, the thing that stunned and humbled us was people took their time. I’m not sure what was going through their minds as we stood there in front of these 120 folks and as music played sensed them blessing these symbols with their thoughts, meditations and prayers. What was supposed to have taken about 10 minutes took about 20 or so. Many of our friends have told us it was their most important memory of the day for them, getting a chance to hold our rings for just a few seconds. Looking at this simple little $10 ring on my hand reminds me that every one of our friends and family, each of them that were there on that truly happy day, held me and my husband’s ring.
I treasure that more than any diamond.
(Photo: Couple with engagement ring, circa 1950s. By George Marks/Retrofile/Getty Images.)
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