Charles Pulliam-Moore thinks many bisexual men need to be more open about the difference between their sexual and romantic desires:
Of all of the bi guys I’ve known over the years, the majority of them have been what I would describe as bi-sexual but hetero-amorous. That is to say that while they’d certainly get into some sweaty bro-on-bro action at the frathouse, guys simply couldn’t provide the kind of emotional satisfaction necessary for a romantic relationship.
From what I can tell from
a handful of informal conversationsmy research, it would seem as if the bisexual/hetero-amorous thing is rather common but rarely articulated in those terms. It doesn’t seem to be unique to bisexual men, either. Whether people aren’t differentiating between their carnal interests and emotional needs or simply aren’t considering them as being distinct from one another is unclear. Either way, I think it’s a major source of much of the hostility that bisexual people tend to receive–particularly from gay men. …
Rather than being equally capable of loving and fucking equally I suspect that most bi-identified people find themselves leaning towards one sex/gender vs. the other for different kinds of fulfillment. That in and of itself isn’t a problem. It’s the not telling people that causes issues.
Dan Savage thinks this is spot-on:
I get letters every day from guys who tell me that they’re confused about their sexual identities. They go on to explain that while they enjoy fucking men and women, they only fall in love with women. Sex with men? Great! Relationships with men? No thanks. These guys are bisexual in the bisexual-but-heteroamorous sense. But these guys invariably go on to tell me that they can’t be bisexual—because aren’t bisexuals supposed to be capable of falling in love with men and women equally? Isn’t that what everyone says? Here’s an example:
I’ve been reading your calls to bisexuals to come out to their friends and families, and think it’s a great idea. Here’s my conundrum: I’m not sure I technically classify as a “bisexual.” I’m a 40-year-old guy who strongly prefers sex with women over men (percentage wise I’m 70/30). I’ve had sex with dudes in the past (five or six times), and loved it, though I’ve never had the same emotional attachment and attraction that I’ve had with women. Most people seem to think that bisexuals are equally attracted to both genders—sexually and emotionally—like they could decide by flipping a coin. So what do you think? Am I bisexual, “heteroflexible,” or just a juicy boner hobbyist?
This guy is bisexual, obviously, but heteroamorous. But the most popular definition of bisexuality circulating out there—someone who is equally attracted to both genders—doesn’t cover guys like him.
Check out the Dish’s long-running thread on bisexuality here.
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