by Chris Bodenner
Though not really the gays, according to this reader:
Maybe men having sex with women fake it. Men having sex with men don’t, since, well, the juice is part of what men like about sex with each other (as delicately put as I possibly can), even with a condom.
I’m a gay man who has more than once not reached an orgasm with a partner, or had a partner not reach one with me. The thing is, I understand what may be going on with my partner and he doesn’t have to prove anything to me by reaching an orgasm. I certainly understand what I’m feeling and experiencing and have no problem saying “I don’t think I’m going to cum tonight.” I’ve found that true with most of my partners.
I’ve had some pretty good sex without an orgasm, and did not think it was a flaw in me, or in him, that I didn’t or he didn’t or we both didn’t. For that matter, I’ve had some mediocre sex where we both had orgasms. Plus, as Dan Savage has noted in a video posted on this blog, men know of several pleasurable ways to be together and reach an orgasm besides penetration, which seems to be expected in a male-female pairing. Must be a straight thing.
It’s also more of a straight thing because orgasms are more elusive and idiosyncratic among women than men, as this reader can attest:
I am a 50+ year-old woman who’s had slightly fewer than 10 sexual partners. I have gotten into trouble from sexual desire. I have committed adultery from sexual desire. I am a single parent because of sexual desire. But I’ve never had an orgasm during sex. I have never had an orgasm during sex.
My first orgasms were when I was 12 or so.
They happened in the swimming pool of a friend of mine. I discovered that if I had a somewhat full bladder, and I propelled myself up and then floated down in the water a few times, I could trigger some awesome spasms between my legs. I didn’t know this had a name, I only knew I liked it.
I get turned on during sex. I’ve had partners who know what they’re doing. But I’ve never had an orgasm during sex. And I’ve always felt inadequate because of that. And yes, I fake it. Although the faking is no fun and doesn’t add to my enjoyment. I’m only trying to satisfy what I think are my partner’s expectations.
The only orgasms I get now come early in the morning, again with a full bladder. It’s as if the muscles around my urethra need to be teased into spasms. When I wake, sometimes if I press down on my vulva and clitoris, I can trigger the same orgasm I enjoyed as a child. But I can’t make this happen during sex.
And so I feel like a failure at making love. I’ve been with the same man for seven years. He’s good. He’s got a mechanic’s feel for torque. He’s had plenty of experience with other women/wives. And I fake it because I don’t want to admit that I can’t come. And this is miserable in a big picture sort of way.
Why don’t the numbers of women who never climax during sex force the conversation to admit that we are normal too? That sex can be over-the-top enjoyable without orgasm? Because it is.
Another female reader:
I’ll accept that faking it can be a relatively benign deceit, especially when having sex with someone you don’t intend to see for long. But I would never recommend it with someone you actually care about, because the downside can be profound (speaking from long ago experience in a my first serious relationship).
I did it once kind of innocuously, and then felt I had to do it a second time, and then it just became a downward spiral that left me lonely and frustrated and him suspicious and confused. He was a crappy partner and I pretended it felt great but I was never wet. Ehhhh. I cringe remembering it. It was just a bad, bad thing. I never got a chance to learn what would actually make me come and he never got the chance to become better in bed. In the end, it killed the relationship, and I vowed I’d never do it again.
The Dish 