When Mychal Denzel Smith was a teenager, he preferred baking to mowing the lawn – a preference which, he reflects, raised questions about his masculinity for his father. The questions have persisted into Smith’s adulthood:
I suppose if I were gay, it would have made more sense to my dad why I wasn’t into drills and hammers and lawnmowers and whatnot. For him, that stuff is manly; being gay is not. That isn’t exactly a revolutionary observation of my father’s ideology, but when I realized what was happening in that baking/grass cutting moment, it raised questions about masculinity and manhood I’m still trying to answer. If I had told him then and there “I’m gay,” would he have stopped trying to teach me all of his “manly” ways? If that’s the case, why wouldn’t it benefit me as a gay man to know how to put a shelf up on a wall or change a tire? And why was he sure my presumably hetero self was going to one day be married and have kids? What does manhood look like when the identity of husband/father isn’t at the center?
That last question is something I grapple with much more as I get older and watch a lot of the men around me get married and have kids, then talk about how that experience has made them men. And it’s not just the traditionalists. I see it among the most progressive of my social circle. They’re on board with redefining masculinity, but only insomuch as it relates to being better husbands to their wives and fathers to their children. Which is great, don’t get me wrong, that’s absolutely necessary. But if we’re only going to redefine it on those terms, who among us gets left out?
The recent Dish thread exploring that last point, “Traditional Masculinity Has To Die,” is here.


