Love At A Distance, Ctd

by Chris Bodenner

The discussion continues:

That reader in a semi-monogomous relationship with his GF who has her own place can live as they please but still have each other … and that’s great – without kids. With kids that’s called an amicable divorce.

Another skeptic:

So this reader is in a non-monogamous relationship with someone they don’t live with. Congratulations, you’ve discovered dating. This is not exactly a breakthrough.

I met the woman who would become my wife when we lived on opposite sides of the country. I moved to be with her and we married a year after I got to town. But even before we got hitched, we lived together. I love her, so I want to be around her. Like everyone, we have times where we recharge individually, but good grief; I couldn’t imagine saying “I love you, I’m so grateful to have you in my life, now go away.”

There’s also the joy of intimacy, and I mean real intimacy – of having someone in your life, of giving yourself to them, of just being around someone. My wife isn’t a roommate with benefits. This is not someone I dig and want to hook up with occasionally. I love her. It would be insane not to want to be around her.

But another reader has had success with living apart together:

Can we talk some more about LAT? It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. My long-time partner and I maintain separate households in neighborhoods about a half-hour drive away from each other, but we’ve lived together periodically when circumstances dictate (I had to get out of my place for awhile while it was being worked on; he had to sublet his place for a few months while he was unemployed).

Living together just hasn’t worked out so well for us. Both of us live in an expensive city, so our places are small, and we have very different styles when it comes to maintaining our space. I like a clean, peaceful place, and he tends to leave a trail of clothes and crumbs wherever he goes. I sometimes like to binge-watch shows on Netflix, which he hates. Living together, domestic resentments piled up (I don’t like to clean up after another adult, but he’s never going to be as orderly as I am, etc.), and we grew tired of seeing each other morning in and morning out, much as we enjoy sleeping in the same bed, and the focus of many of our conversations were domestic issues. It got boring, even though I find him anything but boring.

We plan to marry, but we will still live apart and date. Visiting each other on weekends and one or two nights during the week  builds in enough space that we have lots of unshared experiences to talk about, and enough space that we’re overjoyed to see each other when it happens. Sex isn’t on the table nightly and therefore easy to avoid; when we see each other, it’s with anticipation. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want to be with this man for the rest of my life, but sharing a domestic existence would grind that desire right out of me. I’m at an age at which I don’t need a relationship for child-bearing or asset-building; I’m in it for good times, affectionate companionship, and mutual support. It makes sense to keep the good times rolling. Luckily for me, we see absolutely eye-to-eye on this.

Another:

I’ve been so excited to see these posts; they are very comforting to me right now. My husband of seven years recently took a too-good-to-pass-up job offer in San Francisco, moving away from me and our pet rabbit, who live in Boston. It hasn’t been easy, but so far, it’s been working for us. He came home two weekends ago, and we spent the best weekend we’ve had together in years. It’s easier to spend quality time together once a month than every night in front of the TV and laptop screens.

Like the other reader, I see very real advantages to living apart, like moving to the neighborhood he never wanted to live in, and getting the farm share he wouldn’t eat. But as we learn to navigate this new normal in our relationship, it’s tremendously helpful to see that many other people are making it work.

Update from the original reader:

Love the responses, and let me add an addendum: Yes, my GF don’t have (or want) kids (or marriage) which makes it simpler for us. Exactly: for us. We don’t think that our way is for everyone, yet people who criticize the LATs of the world (and they are legion, including many family members, gay and straight, who push us to get married) assume that what works for them (Living together! Daily intimacy! Every damn day forever and a day!) should work for everyone. We all share certain things in common (the desire for love and affection, intimacy and support) but we’re also all different and people ought to do what works for them without scorning or dismissing those who do otherwise.

The Best Of The Dish Today

by Chris Bodenner

Another day, another state joining the side of marriage equality – this time the 6th most populous one in the country. Money quote from the Bush-appointed judge:

We are a better people than what these laws represent, and it is time to discard them onto the ash heap of history.

Among our most trafficked posts of the day, that Saturday evening one from the French sex columnist is still going strong, with the college-themed window contest a close second. Patrick’s crusade against Nicholas Wade’s book on race and genetics continued apace, while Jonah took on NYU for their labor practices. Menstrual cramp coverage here.

The influx of emails always drops when Andrew’s off the blog, so we didn’t have any post updates today. Be assured that all of your emails are still read when he’s on blogcation, so keep them coming. The following one references the above video, taken from today’s über-popular contest:

Loved the story of the two Dishheads running into each other in Ann Arbor for the window contest!  This is exactly why we desperately need our Dishhead shirts, hats and/or badges, so we can instantly recognize each other!

We’ve been waist-deep in the merch process and are aiming to have t-shirts ready early next month. A few Dishheads in the merch business who contacted us have been a huge help, and we may even partner with them. So stay tuned and thanks for your patience. And a bigger thanks to the 14 readers who became subscribers today.

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by Chris Bodenner

And Dan will love this:

The Intercourse Is For Fun

by Chris Bodenner

Alice Dreger, a bioethics professor with a precocious son, reflects on how uninformed his classmates are when it comes to basic sex ed. Her core point:

How funny that we can’t bring ourselves to tell our children the most fundamental truth about sex, that most of the time we have sex, we have it for pleasure.

Praising the piece, Dan Savage shares a great anecdote from his newest book:

There’s a chapter in American Savage, which comes out in paperback next week, about how lousy sex education is in America. I point out that we don’t teach about pleasure in our sex ed programs—which run the gamut from dangerous (abstinence-only) to pathetic (“comprehensive” sex ed programs that leave out pleasure, gay sex, and obtaining consent, a.k.a. “talking people into having sex with you”).

But talking about sexual pleasure with kids is easier said than done. Even I left it out when I explained sex to my son. That omission lead to a pretty funny confrontation…

One day my then-eight-year-old son came into the kitchen and jumped up on the counter. He narrowed his eyes and gave me a strange look.

“Two men can’t make a baby,” D.J. finally said.

That’s true, I told him, two men can’t make a baby.

“Then you and daddy have sex for no reason,” he said.

Most of the sex that goes on out there—gay sex, straight sex, solo sex—is for “no reason,” or more accurately for a very good reason—for pleasure. And yet most parents, myself included, leave pleasure out of “the talk.” And if a sex-advice columnist who believes that pleasure needs to be incorporated into sex education leaves pleasure out, can you blame sex educators for ducking the issue?

The View From Your Window Contest: Winner #205

by Chris Bodenner

vfyw_5-17

A reader furrows his brow:

This is a toughie.  A nondescript scene of a generic Midwest downtown.  The only clue I see is the low rise of hill in the near distance, which suggests that there is a moderate-sized river at its base.  I’m just taking a guess with Iowa City, Iowa.  Or it could be Council Bluffs, or Sioux City or …

Another heads south:

I don’t have time for searching this week so I’ll just go with my first impression.  It’s someplace in the USA amid rolling hills or ridges and it peaked economically in the 1950s. I’m reminded of northeast Oklahoma, so I’ll guess Tahlequah.

The West Virginia cities of Morgantown and Charleston were also choices. One of only two non-US guesses:

Something about the VFYW picture this week seems French to me, but not in an obvious way.  I’m going to go with Lausanne, Switzerland in the French part of Switzerland as my guess.  My second guess is Montreal, Canada.

The other reader got thrown off by the photo’s untimely nature:

Totally looks like Minnesota or environs at first glance.  But where ever it is, it looks like fall; so I’m going Southern Hemisphere and taking a stab at Hobart, Tasmania.

The photo looks like fall because it was sent to us last November. (We often have to reach back into our archives because suitable window views for the contest are hard to find.) Another reader heads to the Northeast:

As soon as I saw this picture, I thought: New Brunswick, NJ … maybe the Rutgers campus? Perhaps from a dormitory window? Not that I’ve ever been to Rutgers. And while I made a few trips to New Brunswick back in 2000 and 2001 (I had Johnson & Johnson as a client), I don’t remember any details. And yet it came instantly to mind. That’s as far as I can get. I went on Google Images looking for the graffiti tag MEKAN (still not sure I’m reading it correctly), and got plenty of hits – but none in this “font.” (Which in itself was interesting – is Mekan a real name?)

Another spots the tag from a different angle:

Graffiti

Another reader:

East Stroudsberg, Pennsylvania? I’m only guessing this because I got lost through this town one way, trying to find a quick place to get some food after my wife was recovering from giving birth at the nearby hospital.  Wild guess but I felt it was worth a try.  The place does look likes it’s up in the mountains somewhere, and the buildings seem to have that appearance of collegiate uniformity.

Another college try:

This is a photo taken from the roof of a building next to the Maxwell School of Citizenship and Public Affairs – the building with the white window frames – and its extension, the Eggers Building to its left, looking out over the western part of the campus and Syracuse University. I am a 1994 M.A. in Political Science alum of the Maxwell School’s Program on the Analysis and Resolution of Conflicts (PARC) at Syracuse University. Go Orange!

Another:

I have no idea. Feels like the Northeast: tree, architecture, bricks, light. I generally do OK regarding latitude on the VFYWs, so let’s see … Worcester, Massachusetts?

Remarkable guess: the latitude of both cities is 42.2 degrees. But the window isn’t in the Northeast. Another goes with the Northwest:

Finally, you publish a VFYW contest photo of Seattle, Washington!  Even though I’ve lived there for over 30 years and can’t quite put my finger on the exact Univ Washington campus location where your photographer snapped that pic, those orange-red bricks were used to build almost every building on campus.  The extra bricks were used to pave Red Square.

Another gets the right state:

Detroit, Michigan? Only because that looks like a Mekan graffiti tag, and I’ve seen it around Detroit, albeit never on a non-descript rooftop that could be virtually anywhere they sell York air conditioners!

Another nails the right city:

University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.

*drops mic*

Another picks it up for a bit of standup:

SO easy! I just Googled “American cities with rooftops,” and voila – up popped Ann Arbor! It also gave me the exact window. The fifth floor in the School of Law Building, University of Michigan. How nice to have an easy view for a change.

P.S.  Lord have mercy.  I’m passing this one on to Chini.

Chini and the overwhelming number of the 100 entrants went with Ann Arbor. Below is a map illustrating how relatively easy the contest was this week:

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Thanks to Chas for plotting the coordinates and putting together the composite image seen below. Another reader begins the hunt for the right window:

This was a very interesting contest for people not familiar with Ann Arbor. My starting clues were the tagging on the rooftop in the middle of the view and the twin small domes to the left.  Searching “Mekan” found a number of links to a tagger active in Ann Arbor and Detroit, but searching images for twin domes in Ann Arbor or Detroit was less useful (including churches in the search was not helpful). But searching images for Michigan Theater helped to further connect the clues. It took a while to figure out the the view was looking at the “back” of the theater façade top:

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Another gets close to the right building:

I think the photo is taken from Corner House Apts., 205 State Street, fourth floor southwest corner, 2nd south facing window from the corner. It is renting to students, for about $2000-2500, which they assume 2-4 people are sharing. In the background is the Ashley Mews Building, with the white stripe and the black upper floors. The two little cupolas sticking up are 603 E. Liberty Street, the historic Michigan Theater.

Across the street is Lane Hall: “Today, with space wholly dedicated to the Women’s Studies Department and the Institute for Research on Women and Gender, Lane Hall is the University’s center of research and teaching about gender. Jointly sponsored art exhibits, a succession of intellectual events throughout the year, and casual social interactions among researchers, faculty, students, and staff have made Lane Hall into an intellectually vibrant feminist community.”

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Another adds:

As a proud Ann Arborite I had to brag a little bit about some of the history that’s within half a block of where this picture was taken. The older looking building across the street is Lane Hall. It was built in 1917 and has had many uses – it is currently part of the women’s studies department.  For several decades it was the center of religious, social, and philosophical debate on campus.  In the late 1930s there was a series of lectures called “The Existence and Nature of God.”  The lecturers were Bertrand Russell, Catholic Bishop Fulton Sheen, and Reinhold Niebuhr – sounds like just your cup of tea, Andrew.

If the camera were facing southeast instead of southwest we would see Hill Auditorium – which just celebrated it’s 100th Anniversary last year.  Pretty much every great classical musician of the 20th century performed there.  A documentary on its history just won an Emmy.

And just to the north used to be the University High School – whose most famous graduate was probably James Osterberg Jr. (aka Iggy Pop).

Some other rock history:

Prior to being torn down for the CVS, the building housed a cramped recording studio upstairs. My high school band, Eye Guy, recorded and produced an album there one late night in 1997: Descent of the Astral Canary.

Back to the window hunt:

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From a father-son team:

We both took the “Mekan” graffiti as a starting point, something that immediately indicates Ann Arbor. Of course, graffiti can vary wildly, etc., so this was not dispositive. What clinched it were clues dad took from the HVAC units on the visible roofs. In the background are two extremely large-scale units; in the foreground, he adds, on top of what we now know is a CVS, are three condenser units indicative of a bar, restaurant, or other building with heavy cooling needs. That such a building would be directly across from a two-story Georgian Revival hall-type building, and in close company with other high-demand structures, strongly indicated to him that this was a VFYW 98university.

From there, it’s back to HVAC. Those units with visible labels are branded “York,” which distributes primarily (but not exclusively) in the north and northeast. Putting this all together, I started looking at northern universities with Georgian Revival buildings, and started with Ann Arbor. Street views of the campus turned up streetlights similar to the one in the view. Then it was just a matter of finding the right building.

Another building guess:

The graffiti gives the city away, and after a little sleuthing on Street View, the picture is either taken from a room in the back of the Bell Tower hotel or a nearby building.  I will leave the maps and arrows to the experts and guess The Bell Tower Hotel, fourth floor, say room 424.

Another nails the right one:

This is my first entry, and it’s the first time I’ve ever been able to get even a VFYW city correct, so I’m terribly excited! I’m also thrilled that I got to learn a lot about the state of Ann Arbor graffiti in the process, luckily finding another great view of this same graffiti on Flickr. I’m pretty sure the photo is taken from the 202 South Thayer building on 202 South Thayer Street, Ann Arbor, MI. I couldn’t find a floor plan, so I’m just going to guess that it’s taken from the 4th floor, right at the southwest corner of the building, looking out the southernmost west-facing window.

Another 202 South Thayer entry:

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Oooh, thanks a lot, nothing but rooftops and a narrow angle on a drab, nondescript cityscape.  If I lived next door to this window I wouldn’t recognize the view.  At least there’s one Googleable thing in it, though: the graffiti on the roof in center frame.  It’s legible, thank goodness, so when I searched for “MEKAN” I found several references to a tagger who goes by that moniker and has been much discussed around Ann Arbor, Michigan.  But then image searches for MEKAN hit a dead end because no one appears ever to have posted a shot of the particular tag on view.

Oh well, so then I tried simple searches for anything involving graffiti in Ann Arbor and I found several references to a place the locals call “Graffiti Alley,” which apparently is a much bruited about local attraction (this video will give you the idea):Graffiti_alley_ann_arbor

It’s said to be next door to the Michigan Theater on Liberty Street, so that called for a quick peak at it on Streetview and Voila!  No more searching necessary.  We’ve arrived: there’s that brick-red monolith, the MEKAN tag, that pair of little white domes that are in the left of the view photo.

So it appears this week’s window is in the rear of the 202 South Thayer Building, on – you guessed it – South Thayer Street.  Six-stories, university property, it houses four departments and is one of the few VFYWs not shot from a hotel window.  I’m going to guess the Near Eastern Studies Dept., which seems to occupy the fourth floor.  Any higher or lower seems unlikely, and since I’ve won my copy of the book already, then what the hell, I’ll flip a coin.

Among the few dozen readers who went with 202 South Thayer:

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But the winner this week is the only correct guesser of a previous difficult contest who hasn’t yet won:

I haven’t entered one of these in a few years, but this one seemed doable, which of course means it will be the most correct responses ever and that my success will be meaningless, but here it is anyway. I started with googling “Mekan graffiti,” a pretty long shot strategy, I thought. But that led me to Ann Arbor, which fit with the general look of the picture, so I figured it was worth looking around for the red building with one window at the top center of the view. I finally found it in a nighttime view of the city, and then had to locate it on Google Maps based on that.

As depicted in the attached “Pic 1,” I drew a line from that window to the tree in front of the building with the distinctive doorway on the right hand side of the view, which confirmed that I was looking at a building above / behind / next to the CVS on S State Street:

Pic 1

I then spent way too long looking at the apartment building above the Buffalo Wild Wings – pulling up the property management company’s website, foursquare, yelp, anything to get a sense of which window I was looking for. After thinking for a while that the window must be pretty far back in the apartment building, I went back to my Pic 1 arrow and extended it, seeing that obviously I should be looking at the building behind the apartments. Circling the block on street view got me the address, 202 South Thayer:

Pic 2

Unless this is somehow the first email you’re reading, I’m sure you’re familiar with the details already, but the street view is looking south from E Washington Street, with the apartment building on the right and 202 South Thayer on the Left. I’m going with the third story window on the SW corner of the building, since it’s got to be taller than the CVS, but not by much.

Thanks for a fun, if occasionally maddening Sunday morning.

Let’s see how the winner matched up with Chini this week:

chini-1

Back when I was figuring out where to go to law school I took a day trip to see U. Michigan. Unfortunately, I showed up on just about the rainiest, dreariest day of the year and chose to spend my three years in Ithaca instead; if I was gonna be cold, at least I’d be closer to NYC. If only the weather had been nicer …

This week’s view comes from Ann Arbor, Michigan. The picture was taken from the fourth floor of the Near Eastern/Judaic Studies Centers at 202 South Thayer Street and looks west southwest along a heading of 256.65 degrees. The pic was snapped around 4:41 in the afternoon, on or around November 3rd of last year, from the hallway window between rooms 4080 and 4028.

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A marked view of the window is attached, as are an overhead view incorporating a blueprint of the interior and a view from the same height as the International Space Station, because why the heck not?

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The photo was actually taken at 1.07 pm, revealing that Doug Chini is, in fact, human. From the submitter:

I’m thrilled to see that chose my photo for this week’s contest. It was also a great relief, because I was traveling all weekend, and had time to look at the contest only late Sunday night, thinking oh God, if this looks like I might be able to solve it, it is going to keep me up for several more hours, and I need some sleep. But then, it looked really familiar, and I could go right to bed.

I don’t remember what level of detail I gave you when I sent it in, which must have been back in the fall. So this is 202 S. Thayer St., the so-called Thayer Academic Building, 4th floor, the hallway window at the southwestern corner, looking west. Those who get the window right will then also know which area of the world I teach …

Looking forward to many interesting guesses.

By far the most interesting one this week comes from a reader who went window-hunting on foot, armed with a camera. From the end of his photo series:

Once on the scene, it was obvious that the elevation was too high.  The view did not line up correctly with the building in the lower right hand corner on State Street. So, moving down one level, to the sixth floor of the structure, I came upon …

another-dishhead

Another Dishhead!

We had a laugh about running into each other and how we were both afraid of security.

From the other intrepid Dishhead:

I’ve worked on this with my daughter – a past VFYW winner and multiple correct-guesser – and since I live in Ann Arbor it was easy for me to visit the adjacent parking structure to check out sight lines and architectural details. While I was checking things out this morning in the structure, a guy in a white shirt and tie approached me, and I figured it was parking management coming to find out just what in hell I was doing wandering around taking photos. It turns out he’s a fellow Dish reader and VFYW contestant who came to investigate the same location I was! I’ve attached a short video clip I shot of him:

(Archive: Text|Gallery)

The Best Of The Dish Today

by Chris Bodenner

First a quick reminder that Andrew is off the blog this week, since you might have missed his short sign-off at the bottom of the Best of the Weekend:

I’m taking next week to work on a longform essay, and leave you in the very capable hands of my Dish colleagues.

So naturally the former half-term governor of Alaska tossed out a big piece of Sully bait.

In real news today, Oregon became the 18th state to get on the marriage-equality bandwagon. The most-trafficked post of the day came from the French sex columnist who rounds third base on every first date. Runner-up was Andrew’s post last night picking apart Douthat’s critique of Obama’s foreign policy record. Other popular posts included a close look at long-distance love (with a reader’s cross-town story here) and Patrick’s first installment of his week-long takedown of Nicholas Wade’s new book on race and genes.

18 more readers became subscribers today. You can join them here. One subscriber wrote this weekend:

I’m not sure if I am alone here, but put me down as a major dissent to the new style of adding reader voices at the bottom of the story. As a long-time Dishhead who keeps the page open, once I read the story I don’t go back. Part of what makes the Dish exceptional is the sense of community. The dissents are posted like a normal story and get top billing. This seems like crap but I am also resistant to change so I will give it awhile. But I am not happy.

The reasoning behind the practice is to include as much of your feedback as possible without overloading the already-high output of posts. Every day we receive short but informative emails that aren’t consequential enough for an entirely new post, or emails that correct or clarify a key part of the post, so we add it to the bottom of the existing post. And we do so quickly in order to maximize the number of readers who see them. For those who miss the updates, a few weeks ago we started to include in The Best Of The Dish Today a link to all of the posts updated that day (and all of the ones before that). It’s a feature we made for just the kind of obsessive readers as the one above. He followed up:

I hadn’t noticed that new feature … I will give it some time to grow on me.

Beards Of The Week

by Chris Bodenner

A reader flagged it:

As a proud Oregonian, I couldn’t help but think of the Dish when I saw this.

Previous BOTDs here.