Face Of The Day

by Chris Bodenner

IRAQ-UNREST-MASS-GRAVE

A forensic expert holds up part of a human skull found in a mass grave some 10 kilometers from the Iraqi central shrine city of Najaf on May 19, 2014. The bones of 27 people, believed to be victims of the 1991 Shaaban Revolt, will have their DNA tested for identification purposes. The Shaaban Revolt was a series of popular rebellions in northern and southern Iraq in March and April 1991 after the Gulf War that was quashed by the regime of then president Saddam Hussein. By Haider Hamdani/AFP/Getty Images.

Waitlisted To Death At The VA, Ctd

by Chris Bodenner

A reader cautions:

Before heating up the tar and getting the feathers that weren’t used during the IRS “scandal”, can we wait and see what the IG report comes back with? Hopefully it will be more professional than the IRS hit job. I rather suspect that many of the problems are due to the soaring number of vets between Iraq/Afghanistan and the aging Vietnam era vets and a Congress that is intent on reducing federal spending. I seem to remember that some of the Bush war critics said that we would be paying trillions in veterans care over the next few decades. I guess the GOP will just put it on the credit card like they did the actual combat.

Another looks to the root of the problem:

Just why are wait times so long at some VA locations? Seems obvious, but I don’t hear any of the outraged people in Congress saying it: the VA is surely under resourced. The lists are almost certainly the result of how things are often done in the government: some high-ranking person removed from day-to-day reality sets an unrealistic performance measure (often based on politics). Underlings are then put in the situation where there is no way to meet the performance measure, so they cheat in order to not be reprimanded, demoted, or fired. As a federal employee myself, I know things sometimes end up working this way. I’m not saying the creation of the secret wait lists was right or justified, but I can certainly see how it happened.

Another goes in depth with his personal experience:

I am a physician who has done disability exams for the VA. I felt compelled to help after I watched Jon Stewart discuss the problem on the Daily Show. He berated the VA for the backlog and for being so out-of-date as to use paper documents.

I have to say it was quite an eye-opener to work on VA disability cases.

There is a very good reason why the charts are paper: they date back to World War II! In recent decades, notes from the VA system are in a good database, where information is categorized and easily accessed by type of visit, radiology report, lab report, consultation, etc. But go back not too many years ago and many if not most of the records are hand-written. It can be like taking a tour through a medical museum. Service records from active duty time-periods are usually quick notes scrawled by sometimes remote military medical personnel. Veterans also add to their files notes from their private physicians and non-military / non-VA hospitals, as well as testimonials from family, employers, and fellow servicemembers, and those notes are all paper-based. One veteran could easily have six bankers boxes full of file folders that I was supposed to quickly sort through to find relevant information. The Veterans Benefits Administration (VBA) tries to flag the important information, but the flags most frequently were not sufficient.

Somewhat of a solution is to scan all of the paper documents and put them in a database. The VBA is in the process of doing that. I have to say, though, that I dreaded getting the scanned records because all you see on the computer is that there are batches and batches of scanned documents that you have to look through. Doctor scrawl from 1963 on a scanned page is not an easy source from which to glean information. The nominal organization of the file folders is lost in the scanning as well. It’s just 80 or 90 pages at a time of unknown documents that you have to scroll through in hopes of finding the information you need. I even had to get a special computer mouse because my hand would ache by the end of the day from scrolling. It was very difficult to feel I was doing justice. I rarely processed the cases as fast as the VA’s goal, and yet I usually wondered if there was something relevant in all those papers that I had not seen.

Most veterans clearly need the disability benefits and I was glad to do my part in helping them, but there are also a not insignificant number who game the system. Some file appeal after appeal after appeal, doing their best to tie any condition they currently have with something that happened while they were in the service, in hopes of getting listed as 100% disabled. Each appeal represents an additional stack of documents that must be reviewed and questions that must be answered. People who misuse the system can make the work discouraging.

It was also quite interesting to me to learn what “service connected” means. Veterans can claim disability benefits for any medical condition that was caused by or incurred during active military service. So if you are on active duty and develop an ovarian cyst or acne or a thyroid problem or high blood pressure, you can claim a service connection for those medical conditions and collect disability benefits for not only for those particular problems, but also for any secondary problems that develop as a result. All requiring more exams, document review, and charting. I would say that far fewer than half of the disability claims I saw were for combat-related injuries. Furthermore, veterans get re-examined with more paperwork when they claim an increase in level of disability, or when the VBA thinks they may have become less disabled.

This is all to say that the problem of processing disability claims is much more complicated than it seems from the outside. It wore me down.

Update from my mother, a retired Army colonel with 26 years of active duty in the Nurse Corps:

After retirement, I was a case manager at a major military medical center in the early 2000s, when our military was fully engaged with Iraq and Afghanistan. My role was to help navigate returning vets through the process of disability evaluation for either a return to active duty or a release back to reserve status (reserve also includes National Guard). I also volunteered at a major VA hospital on the West Coast, working with the social workers who labored every day to help veterans struggling with re-entry into our society.

From my perspective, all of your readers’ comments are spot on. The VA is woefully underfunded for its mission. The documentation requirements and the process of determining disability is extremely difficult to navigate. The pressure against the VA staff to “make the numbers look good” is very strong (though not unique to the VA of course). The volume of needy vets is staggering. On and on.

The whole issue of service connection for disability also needs to be addressed. Combat vets get more money than ever before, and not all of it is justified. For example, we really need to look at why a female soldier who loses her uterus because of fibroids unrelated to active duty needs 20% disability pay – for the rest of her life.

So I agree to wait for the Inspector General Report. The IG is still respected in the military and VA system. But more generally, if the US wants to fight wars, we need to understand the cost after the wars are over. From the beginning of both Iraq and Afghanistan, I was concerned that the public was not realize that the tail of these wars would be very long and extremely costly. We are just now living with that reality.

18

by Chris Bodenner

A reader highlights the ruling’s “beautiful ending”:

Where will this all lead? I know that many suggest we are going down a slippery slope that will have no moral boundaries. To those who truly harbor such fears, I can only say this: Let us look less to the sky to see what might fall; rather, let us look to each other … and rise.

Guys Fake It Too

by Chris Bodenner

Such as this one:

As a man, one of the benefits of strict condom usage is that it allows me to fake an orgasm at will. Sometimes it’s because I’m insecure about achieving a real orgasm or avoid a partner’s insecurities (altruistic). From conversations with other men I know I’m not the only one, and yet in the wider culture the male-faked orgasm is invisible.

Another reader:

The Science of Faking It and Starting With Sex lead me to wonder, given some past blog posts, that you might open up a thread on men who fake orgasms. To encourage that, I thought I’d share the two times in my life that I’ve done so.

I’m a straight male in my late 20s, and each time I faked an orgasm it was with a girl I met and went to bed with without actually getting to know too well. Condoms are essential to that sort of thing. First time was when I brought home a girl who shouted so much (from the moment of penetration) that my roommate with whom I shared a wall walked out of the apartment and loudly slammed the door, which was such a terrific embarrassment that I essentially just quit the whole matter, faked a spasm or three in the rod, and told her I’d had it and was too tired to go on.

Second time was about four years later, when I left a terrible party and wound up at a bar nearby, met an extremely attractive woman who took me home with her. But she was completely un-participatory in bed. Up too late, and having had well enough to drink, I gave up on trying to please someone who obviously wasn’t interested in the first place. Faked a few spasms, then went to the bathroom to flush the evidence that I’d enjoyed it as much as she apparently had, and then went on to make a fool of myself by continuing to contact her and see her over the next few weeks, before she stopped talking to me. I’d say who could blame her, but I’d imagine that meeting a thoroughly disinterested partner is not a thing that is limited to gender.

Best I can say is that a man faking an orgasm is a method of saving face for both parties.

Love At A Distance, Ctd

by Chris Bodenner

A reader can relate to Croydon’s reporting on LAT couples:

Let me start a thread!  My GF, love of my life, and I have been together 12.5 years.  We have never lived together and have no intention of ever doing so, except for old-age caretaking plans (which, with luck, might be two decades or more away).  I spend weekends at her place, she spends one night during the week at mine.  I don’t have to have cats (though I’ve come to like hers); she gets to have a small house (in a neighborhood I’d never live in); I get to have my small apartment with a view (in a neighborhood she’d never live in).  She does my laundry; I do her yard work.  The commute is occasionally a pain, but there are many train and biking options.

We call it Permanent Romance.  Every time we are together, it’s special, because we are not together all the time.  It never gets “Oh, you again!”  We’re actually pretty compatible in many small ways (both kind of sloppy, laundry-on-the-floor types), but she’s an introvert who needs lots of time alone to recharge, and I’m an extrovert who likes dive bars full of my friends.  She likes watching TV; I listen to baseball on the radio.  No conflicts, since we’re 25 miles apart 4 nights a week.

Even when we vacation together – usually 10-day trips to Europe – we build in a few hours apart each afternoon.  She has a nap and a bath; I go find a café for a drink and the crossword puzzle. We’re also non-monogamous, so not living together is logistically helpful for that, but it’s the very least of our reasons.  Mostly, we love each other but also love our privacy and time apart. More people should try it.  Eliminating the little daily bullshit battles makes everything else sweeter.

Commencement Speakers Are Dropping Like Flies, Ctd

by Chris Bodenner

Several readers dissent:

Your selection of commentary on the rash of protests against commencement speakers seemed really one-sided and off base to me. Some of it was also dripping with contempt for the millennial generation. As a Rutgers alum who is currently an assistant professor at a large state university, I followed the Condi Rice story with interest and think the criticism of protesting students misses the boat.

Protest is a form of speech that is often the only available method of expressing dissent to those in power. As a college instructor, I’m thrilled to see politically engaged students speaking out against awarding honorary degrees and, in some cases, massive speaking fees (Rice was set to be paid $35K) to individuals who they believe do not represent their values. We can’t wag our fingers at millennials for being self-absorbed and then simultaneously criticize them for protesting powerful political figures, which is an inherently social and political act.

Also, at Rutgers, they protested and Rice decided to bow out. That’s a crucial distinction to me.

RU did not rescind its invitation; Rice decided not to attend. Myself, I’ll take vocal dissent over apathy every day of the week. And the likes of Condi Rice and Christine Lagarde should have thicker skin, show up to the event, and directly engage the substance of the dissenters’ point of view. Those dissenters are less powerful, less wealthy, and yes, maybe could learn something new from the engagement. But my sense is the Rices and Lagardes of the world are too privileged and too insulated to seriously entertain the notion of taking a little criticism. They’ll do the event only if everyone kisses their butt on their way to and from the podium.

Another reader makes another key distinction:

Commencement is unique. There is no opportunity for dialogue with a commencement speaker, no debating issues, no public forum where you can criticize them for their errors and try to get them to respond. Their very role of commencement speaker implies that an honor is being bestowed on them by the college, by that graduating class, for their accomplishments in the world outside the campus. And their role on the dais is to shed the value of their status on those about to graduate.

I applaud these students for making their voices heard. They have done the work and paid the price. It is not a false sense of entitlement to believe they do not have to put up with someone as commencement speaker they don’t believe is worth the honor. They are truly entitled to that. They have earned it. I nearly boycotted my own commencement in 1981 because the speaker was George Will. I wish I had had the courage of my convictions to do so at the time, and I salute these students for standing up and making their voices heard on this.

Another suggests that the would-be commencement speakers are the entitled ones:

I’m headed to my 40th Smith College reunion this weekend. I am disappointed that Christine Lagarde has withdrawn as speaker simply because some 400 or so people signed an online petition. Is that really all it takes? I fault Lagarde and the other withdrawing speakers more than the students who signed the petition. I mean really, I get asked to sign online petitions every day, and sometimes I actually do. It doesn’t take much effort, nor does it necessarily mean I’m going to take some further action, like, heaven forfend, hold up a protest sign at a speech or throw rotten tomatoes.

Lagarde’s excuse for withdrawing was that she wanted to “preserve the celebratory experience” of the commencement. There is no indication that there were any threats by petition signers to take any actions that would hamper the celebrations. A few protest signs, if there were going to be any, wouldn’t have done any harm. I feel that these last-minute withdrawals by Lagarde and the other speakers doing so are going to have a chilling effect on the exercise of future student protesters’ first amendment rights to voice their protests. They are in effect saying, “If you complain about me or the institution I represent, I’m going to pack up my marbles and refuse to play.”

If the college and the speaker feel the speaker has something useful to say to the students, they ought to be willing to say it and take a little flak if necessary. I think she’s a coward.

How Unfair Is Being The Fat Girl? Ctd

by Chris Bodenner

A reader sees “a couple of glaring holes” in this monologue from Louie:

First, lots of fat girls have boyfriends. Maybe that one fat girl can’t get one she finds acceptable, and her frustration is well-expressed, but the idea that being a fat girl means you CAN’T get a boyfriend is simply false. This country is full of fat women (and fat men) who are dating and married and popping out fat kids. We have an obesity epidemic, remember?

Second, when she goes into the thing about how he can just talk into the microphone about being overweight and it’s adorable – well, yeah, but he’s a famous comedian. Again, it works great in the scene, and for those characters, but trying to generalize that point is insane. Lots of fat guys get girlfriends (just like lots of fat girls get boyfriends), but tons more fat guys have absolutely no success with women. They can’t all just get on stage and have a persona. Lots of them end up with crippling anxiety and social phobias because they can’t get an iota of positive female attention.

So, as usual with Louie, it’s an amazing show with a fresh perspective and characters that seem to intimate universal truths. But also as usual, under close investigation those universal truths turn out to be closer to polemics that are just really well-written. Louis CK doesn’t intend them to be philosophical arguments, but expressions of his own very narrow, very personal perspective, and we should read them that way.

Another is much less forgiving and makes some solid points:

Wow. What a pathetic mix of self-pity and self-indulgence. “How is that fair? And why am supposed to just accept it?” Should I mention the obvious: during this whole scene a number of people pass the whining lady actually running. Yes, exercising.

So, here is my reaction to this lady:

No, you are not supposed to just accept it. Stop whining about fairness, put a pair of sneakers on and start doing something about your weight if it is your real concern. And no, you don’t have to if it does not get in the way of your fulfilling, happy and productive life – but that’s not what you sound like. So if you excuse my bluntness, either make your inner peace with your fat arse or do something about it.

And no, I am not some arrogant prick with good genes. It requires constant efforts for me to stay fit, and it has been that way for my entire adult life. I am a middle-aged man whose weight has been fluctuating around the “dreaded” BMI of 25 separating “normal” from officially “overweight” for as long as I remember. For the last 2 years I managed to stay below that mark, but not through some genetic luck or “fairness”. As I said, I was not dealt particularly good genes as far the waist size is concerned. All it will take for me to go back over that BMI 25 waterline is stopping to pay close attention to what I put in my mouth and starting to skip my every-other-evening swims and Sunday soccer games. And it will not take long to get there, no more than a month.

And by the way, I work long hours. I have to – I am a sole bread-winner in the family. Heading back from work at 7 pm I always have a choice to make: go home, have dinner and relax, which sounds incredibly appealing every bloody evening, or get over it and head to the swimming pool for an hour first. Trust me, the latter is never an easy choice, and I routinely find excuses not to do it and yet I also know that it feels very rewarding afterward whenever I don’t listen to my own excuses.

I also realise that my choices are not for everyone: small children at home or a number of other very real priorities may skew the balance and make my personal “good” choices not so good for someone else. But my point is exactly that: for many of us with with “susceptible” waistlines the actual girth is merely a matter of priorities. If it really bothers you, make it a priority. If you’d rather spend that extra hour at home with kids and/or indulge in sweet treats – it’s a legitimate choice, but then don’t whine.

And by the way, you want to know what is really unfair as far as the dating market is concerned? Try talking to short men. Or better yet, short bald men. No, I am not bringing any personal complaints here: I am 5’9” – definitely not tall but not pathologically short either, and in any case I am happily married to a beautiful woman. Yet I observed on many an occasion the short end of the dating stick reserved for short men. I understand that for many women these are unconscious decisions rooted deeply in biology (height + full head of hair may signal some genetic superiority), but that does not make it any fairer to the recipients of such unconscious attitude. And guess what: we can’t change our height or simply regrow a full head of hair while the chances are, you actually can change your waistline. So just knock it off please.

The View From A Michigan Marriage

by Chris Bodenner

2014-03-22 14.14.08

A reader sent us the above screenshot yesterday evening, prior to the state putting a temporary halt on marriage licenses following late-Friday’s big news:

I got a call last night from my mom after the judge in Michigan struck down the state’s constitutional ban on gay marriage. My brother’s in-laws, who had been “married” for about 25 years (same last name and everything), were finally getting the chance to remove the scare quotes. Their friends were so ready; it’s like we had all just been waiting for someone to give the nod. They went to the clerk’s office in Ypsilanti early this morning and had a home ceremony shortly thereafter, with every local friend happily tagging along and cheering.

I’m not local anymore, but my dad called me just prior to the ceremony and, all the way from NYC, I got to witness them being united in the religious tradition of their choosing. Sorry for the poor picture, but believe me, it was awesome. A beautiful couple with a beautiful modern love.