Category: Awards

Moore Award Nominee

"I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If, through some geographic, medical or political happenstance, I get pregnant and I can’t get an abortion, I will kill myself. Period, end of story.

If I somehow can’t kill myself — a far-fetched scenario — and if I happen to bear a male child, that child will not stay in my possession for very long," – Muslim apostate blogger in San Francisco.

Is this the 2007 Moore Award winner? Don’t Forget To Vote Here!

Yglesias Award Nominee

"I know the conservatives who can’t stand Hillary have their reasons and their minds will never be changed. But does this woman have to be demonized so much? Listen; let’s not get caught up in all this biblical talk coming from all the candidates. A relationship with God is a personal one and it should be left there. From a public policy perspective she clearly sees an intersection of the way she views her faith as it relates to fighting AIDS and many other causes. The pro-life community sees faith and the abortion issue intersecting on the other side. It’s a different perspective. But when those Evangelicals rose to their feet at Rick Warren’s Church, it wasn’t just a sign of respect for a woman who has made it this far. It was an appreciation for her commitment to fighting AIDS. Is there anything wrong with that?" – David Brody, Christian Broadcasting Network.

Is this the 2007 Yglesias Award winner? Don’t Forget To Vote Here!

Yglesias Award Nominee

"Giuliani and Romney are not single-issue yahoos … But they are letting their hunger for power overwhelm their better judgment and decency. Recklessly bashing illegal immigrants may score them points with one angry segment in the GOP base. But what are they doing to their party’s reputation – and their own?" – Jeff Jacoby, Boston Globe.

Poseur Alert

"Her vagina was all that, as they say in the urban media – a powerful ethnic muscle scented by bitter melon, the breezes of the local sea, and the sweaty needs of a tiny nation trying to breed itself into a future," – Gary Shteyngart, Absurdistan.

For some reason, this didn’t win the annual bad bad sex writing award, which Norman Mailer picked up posthumously. The full awful passage can be read in full after the jump.

Here it is:

    “You wanna pop me?” she said. This must have been some new-fangled youth term. The verb “to pop.”

    “I wanna bust a nut inside you, shorty,” I said. “I wanna make you sweat, boo. Let’s do this thing.”

    I’d like to say that she stepped out of her jeans, but in truth it took a while to maneuver two large dimpled buttocks and the accompanying vaginal wedge out of the hard shell of her Miss Sixty denims. We huffed and sweated; I had her hanging off the edge of the bed while I gripped the cuffs of her jeans; I nearly pulled a groin muscle getting her naked; but through it all I stayed hard, a testament to how much I wanted her. She kept her T-shirt on throughout the initial popping, which is just how I like my sex, infused with a little mystery. I slipped my hands beneath the cotton tee and felt the smooth creamery of her breasts while saving the visuals of those brown glossy globes for later. Her vagina was all that, as they say in the urban media – a powerful ethnic muscle scented by bitter melon, the breezes of the local sea, and the sweaty needs of a tiny nation trying to breed itself into a future. Was it especially hairy? Good Lord, yes it was. Mountains of kinkiness black as the night above the Serengeti with paprika shoots at the edges – the pubic hair alone must have clocked in at half a kilo, while providing the inspiration for two discernible trails of hair, one running up to the navel, the other to the base of the spine.

    Naturally, considering my size, she got on top of me. But given her impressive overall body mass and natural resilience, I could see a day when we could broach the missionary position, not that there’s anything special in attacking a poor woman that way. After we had fussed with the condom, I reached for her pubes, but she slapped me away. These preliminaries did not interest her. Instead, she just plain mounted me, holding on to my tits for balance, slipping me inside with no effort, both vaginal lips working to usher me into her tightness. I find it clichéd when couples insist that they have “the perfect fit,” but between the busted-up, zigzag, Broadway boogie-woogie of my maligned purple khui and the all-encompassing nature of her Caspian pizda, we reached a third way, as it were.

    That is to say, she rode me. It was all very classy and contemporary, like a modern-art survey course at NYU. I wanted to have the slogan I RODE MISHA VAINBERG imprinted on her T-shirt. “Yeah, do me,” she kept saying, after issuing a few grunts so male and assertive they startled me into a brief homosexual fear, a fear compounded by one of her sharp nails digging into my tight rectum. “Do me, daddy,” she said, her eyes closed, her thighs slapping against my upper and lower stomachs, my own tits making wet noises against my frame. “Just like that,” she said, stealing a brief glance at me and then turning her head to the side so that I could lick her ear and plunge into her neck. “Just … like … that.”

    “Yeah,” I said, “I’m fucking you, boo,” but the words did not convince me. “I’m busting my nut tonight,” I sang.

    “My pussy fills so tight,” she sang back in perfect ghetto English.

    “Ouch,” I said. She was crushing my pubic bone, grinding into it. “Ouch,” I repeated. “Baby doll … ouch.”

    “Just a minute, pops,” she said. “Just give me a minute. Do me right. Just like that.”

    “Move up a little,” I said. “Move up. It hurts. My bone.”

    “Just … like … that,” she said.

    “My bone hurts,” I said. “I’m losing it.”

    “AW,” she shouted. “FUCK ME.” She leaned back. I slipped out. Her thighs trembled before me, and I felt a warm, abundant liquid spreading on my own thighs, not sure which of us had issued it. My bedroom was filled with the smell of asparagus and related greenery. “Aw,” she said again. “Fuck me.”

Malkin Award Nominee

"Wal-Mart is doing something good for the family here; they’re refusing to recognize homosexuals as being married, and we encourage people to shop at Wal-Mart as much as possible," – American Family Association Chairman Don Wildmon.

Wal-Mart refuses to give the domestic partners of its gay employees health insurance. Target does. Hat tip: Brayton.

Is this the 2007 Malkin Award winner? Don’t Forget To Vote Here!

The Hathos Of K-Lo

A reader writes:

I enjoy reading The Corner because, like most Americans, I prefer my warmongering from real men like Rich Lowry and Jonah Goldberg.

What I don’t enjoy, however, is reading the adolescent cheerleading of Kathryn Jean Lopez. And by that I mean I do enjoy it, because it’s the closest thing to humor you can get on a site like The Corner.

But I’m still trying to figure out what her purpose is over there. Perhaps you can explain it to me, because virtually all of her posts can be boiled down into these three categories:

1. Look what I read today! (Link.) Perhaps you’d like to read it, too! (No added comment, because she’s got nothing to say.)

2. Look what Mitt Romney said today. (Link.) Isn’t he awesome? (This makes up roughly 85% of her work.)

3. Look who died today. (Link.) R.I.P., please pray for his/her soul, our hearts go out to the family of blah, blah. (This one works for anyone from obscure television stars to conservative journalists that no one has ever heard of to former Reagan administration officials who hated communism more than you ever did. … that no one has ever heard of.)

PS – Stem cells are people, too.

Am I missing something?

Not much. She’s not related to any senior conservative macher, unlike so many others in the conservative establishment, so that doesn’t explain it. But she does most of the work, I think. I hope this isn’t taken as a recommendation that she cease blogging. There’s a hathetic quality to her teenage blurts that remains compelling.

Malkin Award Nominee

"Why do liberals love water-boarding? Because it gives them yet another opportunity for self-righteous anger and the moral hatred that goes with it — hate as always directed against America and its democracy.

It gives them a chance to deflect their attention away from what they have actually been doing, which is to sabotage the war against terror in Iraq…

the fact is that for four years, from Abu Ghraib to Haditha, progressive America — most of progressive America — has not wanted us to win the war but has done everything it could to help the enemy and encourage his war against us. Shame on these progressives; shame on the left. It’s time to stop calling such people "anti-war" and recognize that they are anti-us," – David Horowitz, now, sadly, completely off his rocker.

Is this the 2007 Malkin Award winner? Don’t Forget To Vote Here!

Malkin Award Nominee

"To the Resistance: I’m writing this letter from prison, where I’ve been since the beginning of 2010. Since Hillary was elected in ’08, Christian persecution in America has gotten even worse than we predicted.

When the so-called "Fairness Doctrine" was signed into law, my radio program was yanked off the air along with all the others that dared discuss moral issues on Christian radio …

We knew "Thought Crimes" was in danger of becoming law back when it passed Congress in 2007, but thankfully, President Bush kept his promise to veto it. But, tragically, Hillary signed that most dangerous bill in America – ushering in the criminalization of Christianity. And now, even my book, "The Criminalization of Christianity," has been banned as "hate speech" just as I predicted when I wrote it back in 2005," – Janet Folger, who makes me on Clinton sound like Huma Abedin.

Is this the 2007 Malkin Award winner? Don’t Forget To Vote Here!