Category: The Cannabis Closet

by Chris Bodenner

A reader writes:

I am autistic (Aspergers Syndrome) and have used cannabis to modulate the anxiety, intensity and aggression associated with my particular variant of AS for over 30 years. I first considered suicide at age 16 to escape the constant bullying in and out of school and the debilitating pain in my back that the doctors told me would probably mean a lifetime long addiction to opiates. The side effects of these medications were horrendous and left me in a constant daze. Being a straight-A student I chose instead to find a solution to my pain by trying every alternative therapy I could find.

I first tried cannabis at age 17. I quickly found that when I was medicated, people around me coped far better with my eccentricities. Like many ASDs I have a violent and explosive temper and am often described, especially by women, as a "Scary Guy." The cannabis increases my tolerance for interruption and also helps me be more extroverted and therefore social.

At 21 years of age I made a personal commitment to Christ and was faced with the moral dilemma of using Cannabis for pain/aggression relief vs. what the churches told me was the “moral” thing to do. I read the Bible (I have almost total recall on the written word) and began to debate the church leaders and theologians on what the Bible actually said on the issue. I was subsequently pushed out of many churches of many denominations over many years for my views and choices. My faith in God is intact, my not my church attendance.

I only occasionally drink alcohol to very moderate levels, consuming only an occasional glass of port after a good meal to aid digestion. I have not been intoxicated on any substance since my 21st birthday and do not use cannabis to a point of intoxication only that of pain relief and anxiety reduction. I do not enjoy intoxication.

I chose to retire from my career as a sound engineer at age 30 due to the ongoing pain in my back. I retrained myself in IT infrastructure design and security engineering. I worked in that field for 17 years until COMPULSORY random drug testing in the workplace ended my career!

I have made a conscious, informed decision to ignore the unjust, disproportionate, discriminatory, bigoted law that ignores the empirical scientific evidence on the efficacy of cannabis in a select group of patients, for whom no other medicine works. The law prohibits me from having the one substance that gives me relief and quality of life and prevents me from exploding in peoples faces. I am currently being persecuted under this draconian law but am fighting back against the bullies, but that is a story for another time.

A reader writes:

Your ongoing reporting on cannabis users is great. So I will make my confession (but because my husband has a high level security clearance, I cannot come clean to the world): I grow marijuana under the house and smoke whenever I want. We have three children, all almost grown. All are good kids, and not one has ever been in trouble. They know about me, but they are good and don't say anything to anyone. Even though it's "live and let live" around here, none of them drink or smoke. We did a good job!

Another writes:

Since making the decision to pursue art full time 20 years ago, I have been scraping by, hustling for money and cheap places to live. About a decade ago I acquired a large, raw warehouse in a mid-sized city and slowly built it into a studio and livespace. I kept my costs low by doing nearly all of the work myself, becoming a carpenter, plumber, electrician, welder, sheetrocker — all while selling my art with varying success. I spent the last boom years one step ahead of bouncing checks and never knowing from where or when the money was going to come.

About two years ago I hit a wall. The sudden increase in fixed costs that accompanied the birth of my second child coupled with my unpredictable sales pattern was forcing me to reevaluate my grim financial situation. Then I got an unexpected business proposition. A friend suggested that I smooth out my cash flow problems by setting up a grow room operation in an unused portion of my warehouse. Thus, with his expert help, I began an interesting journey into the high tech world of completely controlled indoor agriculture.

This is a realm in which skill as a gardener has less to do with a green thumb and more with an ability to build and maintain the outlandishly sophisticated systems. That stuff my dad got stoned on while protesting the Vietnam war is rather different than the genetically engineered stuff I am now bringing to bloom under the glare of artificial light. According to him, mine's a whole lot better.

For obvious reasons, you cannot hire contractors to build you a space that uses more power than an average house. Among the many demands of indoor cultivation, you have to process large amounts of water, bubble out the chlorine, balance the PH, and feed, feed, feed those plants according to their needs at different stages. It takes a special set of skills and a special mindset to do all of this without outside help and entirely in secret.

Yeah, I know I am breaking the law, and I am taking quite a bit of risk. I don't plan on doing this for much longer, maybe a couple of years, but the profits are at least predictably substantial and it's a line of work that fits my variety of skills and talents. I plan on riding out this recession by growing some of the finest cannabis that can be found in this corner of the country. Though not getting rich, it is allowing me a certain freedom to pursue my true avocation while caring for my family.

I find it funny that the biggest proponents of the "free market" and "unfettered capitalism" (government was supposed to be the problem, right?) were also the drug warriors who indirectly helped cannabis attain such extraordinary leaps in quality. Put simpy, if consumer demand stays the same or increases and supply goes down, price increases, thereby incentivizing growers to improve both the quality and quantity of that supply. So I guess I have to thank the right wing for giving me both fine smoke (I do partake) and a fine living. Once pot is legal, we should name Ronald Reagan the patron saint of Kind Bud.

A reader writes:

I'm a thirty-nine-year-old graphic production artist living and working in the Bay Area. I began this career by returning to community college for trade-specific classes in 2002, while working part-time at a well-known medicinal cannabis dispensary in Oakland's 'Oaksterdam' neighborhood. Four years of a flexible part-time schedule and good pay allowed me to complete a certificate program and launch a professional life. It was kind of like bartending (industry parlance is 'budtending') while going to school, except that I didn't have to work all night, or around drunks.

In my time at the dispensary, I saw a broad cross-section of the cannabis community, from young shady hustler-types to full-time students (and their professors), from stereotypical aging hippies to plumbers, white-collar professionals, and doctors. I have never seen so many different kinds of people find common ground; I overheard many an unusual conversation in our waiting area, and I walked many little old ladies and cancer patients through their very first marijuana purchases.

The most touching customers were, of course, those with genuine medical conditions for whom marijuana provided relief like nothing else they had tried. I remember one woman who, the first time I saw her, had the look of someone who lived with severe physical pain and suffered under the confusion and depression brought on by prescription painkillers. She told me she was 58 and had never smoked, but was desperate and willing to try anything, and that her nephew had encouraged her to try a strong indica. I sold her some brownies and a little Purple Kush. The next time I saw her, she wept at my counter because she had experienced the best relief from chronic pain and a sound night's sleep in many years. Over the course of a few months, I watched her face take on a more radiant and peaceful expression, and she said she wished she hadn't waited so long.

Many say that the Medicinal Movement is a silly front for more general decriminalization. I would say that this is both true and false — that marijuana is both good medicine and good times, and that punishing good people for benefiting from it (or simply enjoying it) is always bad policy. I've often said that "the movement needs a makeover", so I thank you for facilitating a more open and honest dialogue about this!

(Josh Green reported from Oaksterdam in the April issue of The Atlantic.)

A reader writes:

This is in response to the law student and aspiring judicial clerk. I clerked for a federal circuit court judge within the last few years, and I was not drug-tested, nor was any other clerk that I know of. Federal judges are quite independent, so perhaps there are judges or even whole districts or circuits who do test. But the general sense I got was that the judicial branch cared a lot less for this sort of thing than the executive (I turned down a job with the Justice Department in part because I was not willing to lie on the background check). I think it's telling that the judges tasked with sentencing drug offenders (or denying their appeals) at least partly recognize the absurdity of the whole thing.

Another dissents:

As an attorney I have no sympathy for the law student who "won't be able to pass a drug test" after graduation because it would compromise their beliefs to stop smoking marijuana. That sounds like classic addict talk.

To use their examples: if someone drank every night they would be called an alcoholic; if they used cocaine every night they would be labelled a drug addict. What is someone who gets high every night? This person sounds more like a person with a dependency problem than a righteous crusader: they have preemptively decided that their habit is more important than their career goals.

I do not think smoking marijuana is inherently wrong, and am in favor of discussions towards legalization. However your entries on this topic seem to have a large number of high-functioning addicts pissed off that their illegal habit makes things harder for them rather than cogent arguments for legalization.

Another writes:

While undergoing the post-hire security clearance process for one of the Departments of DHS, I was pulled aside by my superior. Without knowing if I had or had not, she wanted to make sure I was going to tell them of prior drug use. If I denied ever using pot, she told me, it would raise a red flag and my clearance would surely be held up.

"Fortunately" for me, I have only smoked a very minor amount of pot many years ago during my undergraduate years, and that seemed to fit the investigator's mold of typical behavior. My clearance went through. And sure enough, when a colleague of mine, who honestly had never used any kind of drug, said so to her investigator, she was treated with suspicion and incredulity.

The hypocrisy is astounding. Drugs are bad, but we know everone has used them, and that's ok – but only if it was a long tome ago. Actually, it's so ok that if someone claims to NOT have used drugs at some point, they must be lying.

A reader writes:

One aspect of current marijuana laws I haven’t seen highlighted in this series pertains to the government’s policy of drug-testing nearly everyone who receives a government paycheck. This includes civil servants, recipients of college scholarships, research grantees, etc.

I am a long-time light smoker (okay, I was a heavy smoker at one point), but stopped smoking a couple months back, mainly because I lost my “source” in a relationship breakup.  As luck would have it, I recently discovered that I will have to submit to a drug test as a condition of receiving some government money. Although I’m not going to be adversely affected by this policy, it got me thinking about how many talented people are blocked from taking government money due to these draconian laws.  If, as it appears, roughly 50% of the population might easily fail a marijuana-detection test, what does it mean for civil service and government-funded research?

Another writes:

The FBI refuses to hire any individual who has smoked marijuana in the two years prior to his hiring process. I was outed in the polygraph phase of the applicant process (after I was actually accepted for employment).

I wanted to work for the FBI because I genuinely wanted to help my country, but apparently the 10 times I decided to smoke in college meant I couldn’t.

I no longer smoke because my drive to be a young civil servant in the Obama Administration strongly outweighs the “costs” of smoking. It no longer appeals to me, actually, but I’m sure it will to another young college student who has something to offer this country.

Another:

I'm a 26 year old law student at the University of Michigan also pursuing a M.A. in political science. I paid my way through undergrad, working several jobs at any given time, and graduated with honors. I went to work for a law firm in DC and decided to get a law degree. I get straight As, run 20-plus miles a week, and love reading about particle physics, watching the NBA, and listening to records.

Oh, and I LOVE smoking pot. I like watching movies high, playing video games high, reading about evolution high, running high and, on occasion, getting into long winded discussions about constitutional law while stoned out of my mind. I smoke most every night.

I want to clerk for a Federal circuit court judge when I graduate and then work for the State Department. Chances are I won't be able to do either because I won't be able to pass a drug test. A drug test that, were I an alcoholic or a coke head, I could pass with flying colors by abstaining for 48 hours. But I won't compromise my beliefs and quit smoking. There is nothing wrong with it.

Another:

I know being a college student who smokes isn't exactly a shocker. I just felt the need to out myself. I smoke maybe 4 or 5 times a year. I'm uncertain about my future as I'd like to join the military and have invested a lot emotionally into the idea. (I'll also pulling in significantly less money in order to serve). I have no idea if I can even obtain the high level security clearances I need because I've smoked a little grass in college. The fact that the last 3 presidents have been drug users, yet upwards of 50% of the talent pool cannot enter the game right away because of pot use, is absolutely ridiculous.

A reader writes:

Thanks for posting the full spectrum of effects that marijuana has on users. What's interesting is that even the addiction stories defuse the devil weed myth, because it turns out that marijuana is just another substance that affects different people differently. Just like alcohol, sugar, caffeine, tobacco or painkillers, marijuana can be used in moderation by people who are able to use it that way, and can be used in excess to cover up troubling emotional issues or perceived inadequacies by people who are prone to addiction. The idea that eradicating the drugs will solve the drug problem is the lie at the root of the War on Drugs. Drug addiction is never about the drug, it's about people coming to grips with the pain of existence. Legalizing marijuana will help to bring this into the light and enable addicts to seek and receive help without the fear of arrest or criminal record.

A reader writes:

The reader who wrote "Oh please" in response to another's concerns about marijuana addiction needs to get a clue. I spent a couple of very real, very sad years hung up on weed. My life revolved around it: I woke up, and getting high was the first thing I thought about. I went to work and was desperate to get home to smoke; then I started getting high before work, occasionally. (Before that job, I waited tables and smoked on the job with my coworkers in the employee bathroom; those days too, I was usually desperate to get home to get high — before I'd remember that I already was.)

On my days off, instead of going out and doing things, I'd plop myself in front of the TV with a bowl, and frequently devour a couple thousand calories of junk food in well under an hour. Needless to say, I wasn't exercising anywhere near enough to offset that.

My girlfriend had made it clear from early in our relationship that she didn't want to be married to a stoner, so I told her I only smoked once in a while and then planned our time together so that I'd have plenty of time to hit the pipe at home and sober up again before we went out. Of course it would have been easier just to not smoke, but that simply wasn't an option — I'd throw away my stash, last a few days, and then call my dealer up. While I waited for him, I'd sneak into my roommates' room and steal some of their weed. I felt awful — until I took the first hit, after which my guilt would melt away.

No, it wasn't horribly debilitating in the sense that meth or cocaine or alcohol can be. And when I finally stopped smoking and got some help, there were no awful withdrawal effects beyond a couple weeks of not knowing what to do with myself and confronting a lot of difficult emotions. It turned out I was depressed, of course, and the pot was an easy way to avoid dealing with it. Things worked out fine for me, and could have been much worse, but I still wouldn't wish the feelings of helplessness I had on anyone. I remember so vividly telling myself over and over I shouldn't smoke because I had important things to do, and at the same time knowing I was going to crumble eventually. It just brought me lower.

Despite all of this, I'm very much for legalization, because I think the arguments for it make sense and because I think it'll help dispel the myth that weed isn't addictive. ("Not physical" shmysical — if you find yourself up at 3 a.m. desperately scraping resin out of your bowl for the second time in a week, you have an addiction.) Too many people's attitudes are like the reader's, whereas they'd never so offhandedly dismiss the pain of someone admitting to a drinking problem. That's troubling, because I suspect there are more people going through what I did than most of us would guess.

Another writes:

I believe that marijuana should absolutely be legalized. But it has been really psychologically damaging to me. I'm a senior in high school and for the last two years I have been smoking pot pretty regularly with my friends and at parties. It was fun at the beginning of my junior year as my friends and I took our first few tokes. Then, over the course of the year, for reasons unrelated to marijuana, I became depressed and anxious.

One of my regular self-abuse mechanisms was to look in the mirror and find all the asymmetry in my face and think about how I was actually the ugliest person in the world. As this depression and anxiety developed within me, the fun of smoking pot declined. I would leave my friends, go stand in front of the mirror, and find new asymmetry and faults in my face and hate myself even more. I would spiral into my own thoughts and find thousands of reasons as to why I would never be happy.

I continued smoking pot until about three days ago. Even when I've made progress on my own issues, marijuana always brings me back down and allows me only to see bad things about myself. Why would I ever want to smoke again?

Another:

I am a 22 year old recent college graduate. After smoking marijuana nearly every day for about 3-4 years, I am currently trying to quit the leafy green plant, or at least go on a break of a few months. For at least the past couple months, every time I smoked I became intensely depressed. But I kept the habit up anyway, because it's the only thing I know.

I've been adjusting to this new 9-5 grind, and part of that adjustment had been coming home (to the parent's home, while I save money) and lighting up. But, as a formerly creative person, I'd found I had also been unable to create, though I'm realizing now, this isn't really the sole fault of pot. However, for a variety of reasons I am trying to give up this substance which had brought me much happiness for a few years, before I am hopelessly beholden to it.

Another:

While I agree that marijuana should be legalized, especially for medical purposes, I don't think it's completely harmless.  During a period in my life after college but before finding a job, I smoked multiple times a week.  I was getting high to escape feelings of uncertainty about my future.  It worked: while I was high, I did not feel these uncomfortable emotions.  Because of this, I was not motivated to do anything to prepare for my future.

Fortunately, I finally realized that I was in a bad downward spiral; smoking pot was getting in the way of living a full and productive life.  I cut back on smoking, but I never stopped completely.  As I got my life on track, I came to realize that in moderation, I could enjoy pot but still be in charge of my life.

A reader writes:

I just read your new update to the cannabis closet about getting caught and I thought I'd share my experience. Towards the end of my senior year of High School I was arrested with a friend for possession of about a gram of weed. I found out quickly that it didn't matter who I was or what the circumstances were, smoking weed makes you a criminal. I had to pay some five hundred dollars and take a program that included eight weeks of drug testing and a class about substance abuse in order to avoid the conviction. The final, and most ridiculous requirement, was a tour of the New Hampshire State Prison.

I suppose this was meant to scare me straight, to prevent smoking weed from leading me to commit more serious crimes. I remember the first thing my case manager asked me was what exactly I was doing with my life, making the assumption that I was some kind of delinquent. Of course I had already been accepted to college and I was working a part time job. High School was nearly over and I would be graduating in high standing. I found all of this to be somewhat humiliating since I really didn't believe that a crime had been committed.

I write this just three years after that incident and I still smoke marijuana regularly. Not surprisingly, it hasn't led me towards harder drugs or to a life of apathy. This is my third year at Northeastern University where I study Political Science and International Affairs. I've been on the deans list every semester. Last year I completed an internship and I plan on studying in Europe in the fall. Thankfully we have decriminalization in Massachusetts now, so I worry less about getting caught. However I wonder what the system in New Hampshire accomplished. Had I been convicted I would have lost my financial aid and not been able to attend school in Boston. In the end the legal system could have done more to ruin my future than the actual drug.

A reader writes:

My closet story is a little different. I had smoked pot since JR High. Smoked it all the way through college and continued throughout of much of my adult life. I never really tried to hide it except from bosses and parents. I gave it up about ten years ago because I no longer liked the way it made me feel. Anxious…and paranoid. So I stopped.
 
I did not smoke again for about seven years. When my wife was diagnosed with cancer in 2006 we gave it the good fight. But the chemo and steroids made her so sick, and the anti-nausea medicine did nothing to help her. Surprisingly, it was my 78 year old mother that suggested I get her some pot.

I had not even considered that for some reason, but later that night my son dropped by and I asked him if he could get us a little since all my connections were gone. That evening, when my wife came out of the bathroom after throwing up for the sixth time that day, I suggested she try it. She had never been a pot smoker. (Those few times she had tired it, it tended to make her sleepy. So she would have a Margarita when we were relaxing at home alone.)
 
The effect was immediate and dramatic. Not only was she not throwing up any more, she got a bit of her appetite back. And the little aches and pains from the steroids went away too. I’ll never forget that night because I took a couple of hits too. (I told her that I had to test it. She said if I use that logic I should test the chemo too. HA!!!) We laughed and giggled like kids. And we talked about things that she had not been able to talk about before. Like her regret of not going to see the grandkids grow up. And that she was going to leave me alone. I made us some hot chocolate and we talked well into the night. After we had gone to bed I woke up to find her head laying on my chest and her looking up at me. She asked if we could smoke a little more and talk. I’ll tell you Andrew, I almost started crying. She had been so closed off since the doctor told her she had cancer.
 
We had quite a few more evenings like that. I honestly don’t think she would have lasted the two months that she did if she had not used the pot. She used it for the last two months that she lived and was no longer apprehensive when going for her chemo. She even put on some weight. And she start sleeping through the night. I can tell you without any doubt that her life, and our relationship, was good for those two months.
 
It will be two years April 18th. I miss her terribly but I am so glad we had those evenings of smoking pot and talking about the inevitable. 26 years of marriage is a long time. Those evenings made us stronger. I sincerely hope you and Aaron have the kind of marriage we did, Andrew.

Happy 4/20, guys.

A reader writes:

I was a freshman at University of Maryland College Park in the fall of 1996. Back then,  smoking pot then was stigmatized, but pretty common anyway. My roommate knew about my occasional habit (once or twice a month, tops) and did not approve. He knew I had a bowl in my part of our closet.

One morning, when returning from calc class, I found a campus officer in my room, being shown my bowl which had been removed from my closet by my roommate. He had called the police simply because he feared his future placement in the Israeli army was at jeopardy due to the bowl's presence in our room. This gave the police probable cause to search all of my belongings, finding a very small amount of 3 month old "shake" in the process.

Since the cocaine-related death of Len Bias in 1988, the university had implemented a zero tolerance policy to drugs. That policy led to me being removed from campus 4 weeks into my freshman year, and put on mandatory drug testing. I'm very fortunate that I have since pulled out of that dark time professionally, and now have a good job and career. But this incident was definitely a catalyst for my academic decline.

Was it my fault? Yes. I should have known better than to breach the very clear university guidelines on campus. But what is very frustrating to me is that pot is treated like deadly drugs in terms of policy. If we are going to advance a sane marijuana policy, we have to decouple pot from "drugs".

Another writes:

I'm a 23 year old finishing up with school. I've smoked weed on and off since high school. In college, I actually made a rule for myself; I could smoke weed if/when/as much as I wanted, as long as my grades stayed up. And they did. And I've held two steady part time jobs, been active in extra curricular activities, traveled and completed an internship.

But early in college, I was caught with weed on campus. I was arrested and kicked out of my dorm. And during that ordeal, everyone – I mean EVERYONE; my parents, my lawyer, my RA, even the dean of the college – are handing me my punishments while saying, "…even though I think it should be legalized."

Another:

A few years ago, I was arrested for possession of about a dime bag's worth of weed.  Being that this took place in CT, while my residence was in NYC, this got a little complicated.  I was offered 240 hours of community service plus 1 year of weekly drug treatment meetings every Wednesday.  In exchange, they would wave the conviction and expunge my record completely.  I said sure, but can I do this in New York City?  The prosecutor said no, the community service and treatment had to be done in New Haven, Connecticut.  That meant that every Wednesday for a year, I would have to take off of work, drive 2 hours to New Haven, attend the meeting, and drive 2 hours back.

No Monday-Friday, 9-5 job is interested in keeping an employee that has to inexplicably take off every Wednesday for some unstated or ill-explained reason.  Not to mention the 240 hours of community service.  I realized that financially speaking, it was better to fight it.  Even though I am a low-income office worker, I hired an attorney.  After 2 years of bruising legal action, my drug attorney (that's all he did: drug cases like mine) got my sentence nullified, which means I admitted guilt without it actually entered as a conviction.  Along the way, I lost my job due to their background checkers finding out about the bust, and I blew through $3,000 in legal fees. 
 
I don't smoke pot anymore.  It's not that I don't enjoy it, or that I "learned my lesson," it's just that the possibility of getting caught outweighs the value of getting high.  Should the law change, I'll be toking up that night.

Another:

I've noticed a disturbing uptick in random drug testing. Two people I am very close to have been fired in the past week (from separate employers) for doing nothing more than showing up for work, getting their names pulled out of a hat, and having smoked a joint the night before.

This tactic allows companies to trim their workforce with increasing their unemployment insurance while leaving the worker unable to collect benefits or use the former employer as a work reference when applying for a new job. I'm not an economist, but I took enough Econ in college to know that increasing unemployment while simultaneously leaving the unemployed with no means of support and hindering their future employment prospects is a bad idea in any economic condition, much less a recession/depression.