The Best Of The Dish Today

Sorry for the missed posting last night. I won’t bore you with the various gruesome details of my current health issues, but I’ve been spending a lot of time in the bathroom. I’m grateful for the Dish team for holding down the fort while I’ve been a little preoccupied.

511SHZXK1TL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_On the other hand, it’s a great opportunity to talk about toilet reading. Roger’s Profanisaurus is a blessed little tome from the authors of Britain’s most repellent adult comic, Viz. (Yes, my brother brought it to my attention.) I was so entranced by the first edition a few years’ back that I shared it with Hitch, who promptly refused to give it back. It’s probably still in his bathroom.  The original tome now has several updates, including 2005’s Profanisaurus Rex, 2007’s Magna Farta, and 2010’s Das Krapital. You probably get the general idea. The latest is called “Hail Sweary.”

It still staggers me that Anglo-Saxon renders so many potential terms for so few bodily fluids (and occasional painful solids). The definitions compound each other – and you can spend a lifetime chasing down the references – but I hereby offer a random sampling of what’s kept me sane the last couple of long nights:

jibbles n. The involuntary vibration of the jester’s shoes just before the custard pie gets thrown.

gesundsheit n. Ger. A simultaneous, albeit unintentional, sneeze and brown trout in the trousers. A cause for congratulation in Germany, that is.

gutbutt n. Affectionate epithet for an extremely obese person, the folds of stomach hanging down out of their t-shirt, resembling nothing so much as a pair of extra, frontal mudflaps. Also fruttocks.

pasturbation n. Dwelling on earlier glories whilst shaking hands with an old friend. Tosstalgia.

march of the penguins 1. n. What passes for a nature film in America, narrated by him off The Shawshank Redemption and them insurance ads. 2. n. An ungainly and seemingly endless waddle to the crapper whilst trying desperately to prevent the release of Bully’s special prize.

I could go on, but I think you have to have gone to an all-boys English school or a local rugby club to fully appreciate the genius of the oeuvre. I’d give you the Amazon link but I wouldn’t be forgiven in some households. Nor should I be.

Today we dissected the ground-breaking is-this-a-great-country-or-what? budget deal. A researcher in psychedelics explains that to his family. Is it me or is Paul Ryan becoming one big nose attached to a chin? And India takes a step back on sodomy.

The most popular posts of the day were Who’s Afraid Of The Truth? (I guess Dish readers aren’t) and Straight, Male and Lonely.

Back to passing another king-sized door-handle biter. See you, God willing, in the morning.