A Very John Waters Christmas

In an excerpt from Crackpot, the twisted director shares his favorite films of the season:

Forget White Christmas, It’s a Wonderful Life and all the other hackneyed trash. Go for the classics: Silent Night, Bloody Night, Black Christmas or the best seasonal film of all time, Christmas Evil (“He’ll sleigh you”). This true cinematic masterpiece only played theatrically for a few seconds, but it’s now available on videocassette and no holiday family get-together is complete without it.

It’s about a man completely consumed by Christmas. His neurosis first rears its ugly head as he applies shaving cream to his face, looks in the mirror, hallucinates a white beard and begins to imagine that he is Santa Claus. He gets a job in a toy factory, starts snooping and spying on the neighbourhood children and then rushes home to feverishly make notes in his big red book: “Jimmy was a good boy today,” or “Peggy was a bad little girl.” He starts cross-dressing as Claus and lurks around people’s roots ready to take the plunge. Finally, he actually gets stuck in a nearby chimney and awakens the family in his struggle. Mom and Dad go insane when they find a fat lunatic in their fireplace, but the kids are wild with glee. Santa has no choice but to kill these Scroogelike parents with the razor-sharp star decorating the top of their tree. As he flees a neighbourhood lynch mob, the children come to his rescue and defy their distraught parents by forming a human ring of protection around him. Finally, pushed to the limits of Clausmania, he leaps into his van/sleigh and it takes off flying over the moon as he psychotically and happily shrieks, “On Dancer! On Prancer! On Donner and Vixen!”

I wish I had kids. I’d make them watch it every year and if they didn’t like it, they’d be punished.